Ashes and Wine
by versatyle
Summary: Its been 3yrs since Edward left in NM. Bella now goes to NYU with a bad ass attitude. What happens when they meet again? Will two halves of a whole reconnect? How will Edward react to the New Bella. Rated M for Language and Future Lemons
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first EVER attempt at writing a story. Period. I'm a singer/song writer and poet. That's my forte. But I've read so many good fanfic stories and I wanted to try. I know that this will by no means be perfect, and It my not even be good. But dammit I'll try :) so read it. I hope you enjoy it. I really would like some constructive criticism on how to develope my narrative skills so please review :P I'd appreciate it. I don't know how fast the story will be paced or how long it will be. I'm hoping for something epic though. It will be rated M for Language and future Lemons so... Here it Btw..The title is Based off the Song "Ashes and Wine" by A Fine Frenzy, my inspiration for this story.  
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**Chapter One**

****_Don't know what to do anymore._

_I've lost the only love worth fighting for._

I woke up to the obnoxious sound of my alarm clock blazing in my ear. I don't care what anyone says; six in the morning was created by the devil. Rolling over, I slammed my hand over the offending object silencing it while simultaneously groaning. _I fucking hate Mondays._

"Piss off," I grumbled.

It had been three years since Edward left. An entire three years had passed since he'd taken his love, and my heart away from me. He went out with a blaze of glory, never once thinking about the tatters he left that remained of my life. _It will be as if I never existed. _Yeah fucking right. You can't erase memories, I tried and failed miserably.

At first, I'd thought the devastation of it was going to kill me. I mean, how can you possibly live without your heart? For six months I was a shell. My outside giving no indication of human emotion while inside I was tormented.

I'd imagine my heart and soul are black now. Not in a sense of heartless, evil black, but as if they'd been burned and scarred from my chronic pain and emptiness. Yes, black is a good description.

Six months was my breaking point.

Every place, every smell, reminded me of him. I'd lie in my bed and remember his cold embrace, his melodic voice humming me to sleep at night. I'd sit in my truck for hours and begin to cry because of his inherent despise for it. I realized I hated Forks.

I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to, and within three hours I'd packed my bags and headed to the airport accompanied by Charlie and Jacob.

_Jake. _Sigh.

He'd been so supportive of my decision. He knew the real truth and still didn't hate me for it. Jacob, with his hatred for everything vampire, still managed to be my anchor, keeping me grounded when the waves of my emotion threatened to drown me. Jake would never comprehend the depth of my gratitude.

"_Where will you go Bella?" He'd asked. _

_Charlie closed the trunk of his cruiser and stood calmly beside me. He'd remained quiet through the entire drive to Port Angeles. I knew he didn't really want me to go, but he realized that this was something I needed to do in order to survive. I couldn't truly live in Forks anymore. _

"_New York," I said shrugging. "I need to start fresh."_

_Jacob focused his intense gaze on me and I fought back tears. I would miss him; I would miss my best friend. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his embrace._

"_I love you Bella," He said, his voice cracking slightly. "You call me, if you need anything. I'll always be here."_

_I buried my head into his shoulder once more, before pulling away and facing Charlie. _

"_Dad-"_

"_You have to go Bells. I can't keep you here knowing that there's a better life out there for you. You need to go to school, make new friends. Start over. I'll always be here, Bella." It was one of the longest speeches I'd ever heard from him. _

_I threw myself into his arms, tears flowing freely, "I love you dad." _

"_Me too. Always have, always will."_

_I hoisted my duffle bag over my shoulder and began walking towards the airport. I turned around at the door and looked back at them, giving a half-hearted smile and a soft wave. I reminded myself that I needed to do this as I committed both Charlie and Jakes faces to memory. God, how I would miss them._

_Approaching the counter, I told the sales clerk "One way ticket to New York, please."_

_The old Bella Swan was gone, and she was never coming back. _

**BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!**

The sound of my alarm clock, going off for the second time brought me out of my sleep induced reverie. I stretched and got out of bed making my way to the kitchen to start my coffee pot.

Today I was starting my junior year of college at NYU. I was an English major, predictable. But, despite the fact that I have changed since I left forks, my love for literature never wavered, though my perspective did.

I was no longer shy little Bella Swan. I traded in my awkwardness for high heels and my incessant need to be invisible for an outgoing personality and a vocabulary that would make a sailor blush. I was a woman scorned, yes, but that was the driving force behind my change. I was fueled by a need to be successful, beautiful and strong.

I did it for him. Everything I do is for him somehow. He had always told me I was beautiful and I'd shied away from it. I figured that just because he would never appreciate me or want me, he still might be proud of what I've done with myself if he ever cared to look.

Hastily finishing my coffee, I threw on a sports bra along with some basketball shorts and proceeded to head downstairs. One of the things that sold me on this apartment complex was the gym. Upon reinventing myself, I decided to get into shape. I worked out every morning and every evening for an hour, five days a week. It toned my muscles and did wonders for my balance. NYU owned many off campus apartment buildings, but this one had a friendly feel, despite the fact that a lot of New York was not as accommodating. I'd lived here since my sophomore year, and I'd yet to grow tired of it.

As I entered the gym, there was already one other person there warming up. He was tall, about 6'3 with jet black hair and mocha colored skin. His forearms were easily the size of one of my thighs and his frame looked as though he could dent an armored truck. I felt a pang at the size of him; he reminded me of Emmett in that way.

Hearing me enter, he turned around.

"About fucking time, Swan," he rolled his eyes.

"Holy shit Ace, give me a break. Its six-fifteen and I barely finished my first cup of coffee."

He snorted. "Despite what you may think coffee is not essential to everyday life."

Acer Connelly was a junior at NYU like me, as well as my next door neighbor. Double majoring in English and Physical Therapy, we quickly became close friends when I knocked on his door when I locked myself out of the apartment the first week I moved in. He took one look at me and made it his mission to make sure I was well taken care of and knew how to defend myself.

"_Tiny, pretty women should always have back up_," He'd stated.

Since then, we hung out all the time, worked out together, and even worked at the same place. He was the only really close friend I'd made since I started college. The only one that knew the real Bella Swan, the one that was still nursing a broken heart and shattered soul.

We started out running a mile on the treadmill, following with jump-ropes. Then we proceeded to do series of crunches that worked out the core muscles in our abdomens. I've grown to love working out. It's an easy way to release the stresses of my shitty life, as though it expels the toxin from my body. It gives me peace of mind, knowing that the constant burn in my arms and legs is benefitting me now and in the future.

After warming up, we then got out our boxing gloves. Ace wrapped his hands and put on mits.

"Jab, Jab, Left, Uppercut," He rattled off.

I completed the series of combos with ease. Taking up boxing was another perk. I didn't actually fight or anything, but I loved the training. It made me feel like I wasn't helpless. Like I had some control.

Once I was sufficiently drenched in sweat, like a damn whore in church I might add, I glanced at the clock. It was a quarter till eight.

"Ace I got to go shower, my first class is at nine," I panted, wiping the sweat off of my forehead.

He tossed me a small towel out of his bag as he took a swig out of his water jug.

"That sounds like a personal problem Tiny," He teased.

"Aw fuck you," I laughed punching his arm. He was such a douche bag.

We said our goodbyes after promising to meet up for dinner before work, and I headed upstairs to shower and get ready for school. I reveled in my mango scented shampoo and my vanilla crème bodywash. Edward told me once that I smelled like freesias and strawberries. My smell and blood had been his personal brand of heroine. It amazed me that I had been flattered by that, the naïve, dumb little fairy that I had been. I pissed myself off constantly because if I admitted it to myself, which I won't, I still was flattered.

_Well, fuck you kindly, I don't smell like that anymore._

Whatever.

I looked in the mirror at my naked reflection and stared. The physical changed I saw still confounded me some days. My face had become slightly more angular, losing its roundness from my adolescence. While I had always been small, I now had a very noticeable curvature in my waste. My breast had grown, and they sat high and firm on my chest. No doubt a product of keeping in shape, my ass had rounded and toned. I was happy with my body. I knew I now had a body to be desired. But for all the good it did.

The truth of the matter is I'll never be a woman. I mean literally, yes I am female. But my body was unresponsive. I would never go out on dates. I would never get drunk at a frat party and make out with some hot guy I wouldn't remember the next day. I would die an untouched, unwanted virgin. I cursed him for taking that away from me. I cursed myself for not being able to heal. Because no matter how well I maintained my confidence and no matter how much I accomplish in life, my body and soul would only respond to one man.

Edward Cullen.

_I still love you._

I sighed, and grabbed my pill bottle off the bathroom counter to keep from falling over the edge. _Don't think about things like that, Bella. _I mentally chastised myself.

Two years ago, when I moved here, my first step on the road to recovery was to see a psychiatrist. Of course I couldn't tell Dr. Reynolds everything, of course not. If I'd gone in there telling them that my life revolved around mythical creatures and I wanted to be a vampire they would have me committed. So no, I couldn't tell her that, but my problems were emotional, not mythical. It proved to be very relieving, to tell her my thoughts and feelings without being judged. I could be honest with Jacob about everything, since he was a werewolf and all, but Jake doesn't understand the hold that the Cullens had (have) on me. He didn't understand why I wanted to belong to a coven of leeches. So no, I couldn't talk to Jacob about that without him getting angry. But I could talk to Dr. Reynolds.

It had taken a lot of therapy and ant depressives, but eventually life was manageable. Barely, but manageable. I didn't even need to go to therapy on weekly bases anymore. So I allowed myself to feel some pride. Edward Cullen may always be the only mad I love, but at least I could maybe begin to love me too.

After blow drying my waist-length hair into soft waves, I went to my closet. I picked out a tight fitting royal blue turtle neck, along with black skinny jeans and my grey leather high-heel boots that went just above the knee. I threw on some mascara and looked in the mirror once more to slightly appraise myself.

Bad-Ass-Take-No-Shit-Bella-Swan Armor? Check please.

I grabbed my black leather jacket and headed out to the parking garage. I glanced at my schedule.

9:00 Shakespearian Literature—Dr. Roberts

_Huh. _I thought and I put my helmet on. _That's not a bad start._

I revved my engine and peeled off, leaving the sorrows of my past to await my return. And trust me, they would be there. They never leave.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters. I wish I did, I'd be Rich!**


	2. Chapter 2

Dr. Roberts was a walking contradiction. That's the best description I could give. Looking at this woman, you wouldn't in a million years believe that she had gotten a PhD under any circumstance. She wore _Wranglers_, with the flannel shirt and cowboy boots to match. She had a shrewd demeanor that immediately silenced the classroom. We all stared at her with slight trepidation as she set her bag on the floor with a dull _thud._

"Good morning," She paused momentarily "You are all in college so I do not believe I need to waste time explaining proper etiquette in my classroom. I expect you know how to read, write, and analyze at this point, yes?" She glanced around the classroom and gave a small nod.

"Well, good. We will first start with the tragedy Othello. You can go online and look at the syllabus for your reading and any other assignments. I will tell you that my lesson plan follows the syllabus so I will not be telling you what your homework is or when it is due. All of that can be found online. I will not accept late work unless there is a valid reason and a forewarning. Other than that this class is pretty straightforward."

"What about your attendance policy?" someone shouted from the back.

"What is your name?" Dr. Roberts asked.

"Chris."

"Well Chris," She began "I do not have an attendance policy."

There were excited whispers beginning to rumble through the auditorium.

"However, a lot of my quiz and tests will come from the class lectures, so how will you know what material to study specifically if you don't have your notes? No, I personally do not care if you come to class or not. I want the people who are in my class to have a desire to be here, but I can assure you if you miss too much class your grade will suffer. But, do as you so choose."

She got up and threw her bag over her shoulder. "See you Wednesday," she said simply and walked out of the room. The rest of the class filed out and I checked my schedule. This class was supposed to last until ten-thirty. I had an hour to grab a Starbucks coffee and get to my next class: Western Civilization.

"Bella!"

I turned slowly to find a small blond running towards me. She was wearing a beanie on her head, with her obnoxiously curly hair flying in the wind behind her. She stopped in front of me and gave a wide smile.

"Hey Samantha, how've you been?" I asked her. I had met Samantha the previous year in a few classes. We went out for coffee and lunch a few times. She had a smart ass mouth and the wit to match. I really enjoyed her company.

"Well, other than I caught my boyfriend with some other bitch in my apartment over the summer, fantastic."

I snorted. She didn't look upset in the least.

"So what did you do?"

"Really Bella? What do you think I did? I hit him with a skillet and told him and the dumpster juice he brought into my house to get out."

_Dumpster Juice? Interesting, I'll have to add that to my insult list._

"Come on crazy girl, let's go grab coffee."

We walked to Starbucks and slipped into easy banter. She told me about spending time with her family in California over the summer and I told her about work and training. When we got to Starbucks, I ordered a Chai Tea Latte and she ordered a White Mocha Cappuccino. Sitting down at one of the outside tables Samantha lit a cigarette and looked at me.

"So why don't you tell me what's really going on?"

"What are you talking about Sam?" I asked avoiding her gaze.

"Cut the bull shit Bella, I see how tired you are. You have bags under your eyes that look like they've been there longer than you've been alive. What's up?"

I remembered why I limited my time with Sam, the girl was too damn perceptive.

I sighed "It's the same shit, different day. Trying to maintain my façade and act like I've moved on from my ex. You know. We discussed this last year."

She nodded. Samantha knew I had a break up. She didn't know how long it had been like Ace knew, and she didn't know the content like Jake did, but she didn't need too. Sam was one of those people that just got others. She rarely asked for details of a situation. She just accepted everything in stride and offered a shoulder when needed. She reminded me of Angela Weber in that way.

"Well, time heals everything, Bella. You just have to remind yourself that it won't be this way forever. That there's a reason worth living."

Forever.

I used to want forever. I had wanted a life and family for eternity. But that dream died before it had a chance to live. Maybe I was blessed in a way. At least Edward left me before he turned me immortal. If he had did that and then left me for his "distractions," I would've had to live alone for all of time. At least this way, life sucks but fuck it I'll die eventually!

I finished my coffee and headed to the parking garage. My next class was all the way on the other side of the university and it would take me forever to get there on foot. _In these boots? Yeah, right._ So I went to grab my bike.

My motorcycle was a BMW S1000RR. It was black, sleek and shiny. It had a 175 rear-wheel horsepower generated from its liquid-cooled, dual-overhead cam, 16-valve, and an inline four cylinder engine. This bike was barely open for the public one year ago. But I saw it and figured it was worth the payments, hence why I needed to work. I loved this bike. I turned the engine and felt the raw power of it. If I didn't live in New York and have to drive in some of the worst traffic on the planet, I'd probably turn into a speed demon.

I drove, weaving in and out of traffic with ease. I was about half a mile off of campus, but I still had fifteen minutes to get to Washington square.

Pulling up I attracted a couple of stares from a group of guys in the parking lot. I parked my bike and let down the kickstand. Taking my helmet off, I waved. I recognized a few of them from the bar I worked at. I stored my helmet and rushed off to class.

Western Civilization was taught by Professor Brown. I'd been in his American history class my freshman year. He was one of those professors who drew you into his lectures because he was so passionate about it. He joked and talked to use and didn't come off as a snotty doctor who was just receiving tenure. He genuinely enjoyed teaching. He was one of my favorite professors. I walked in and sat my stuff down on a seat in the second row. I pulled out my latest book _Destined _and began to read, since there was still ten minutes.

I was so absorbed into the book I didn't hear anyone sit next to me.

"Bella?"

I looked up and froze.

Three years had done nothing to change his appearance. Still absolutely perfect, heart-breakingly beautiful. Golden eyes with long lashes, light violet bruises accentuating perfectly pale skin. Golden eyes that were staring back at me with disbelief.

I finally managed to find my voice "Jasper?"

* * *

><p><strong>JPOV<strong>

Moving to New York was the first decision the family had made together in a long time. Esme couldn't bear us being apart any longer. Alice and I had gone off on our own after the fiasco in forks. I couldn't bear to look my family in the face. I felt so guilt-ridden over what happened to Bella and Edward. I never forgave myself, and I couldn't face Edward, knowing he didn't blame me, that it wasn't my fault. _It was._ Alice had tried to convince me over and over again, but I never listened to her.

_Alice. _

My love, my mate. I don't know what I would do without her. She was exactly my other half. We balanced each other perfectly. She hadn't complained when I said I needed to be away. She wasn't mad or hateful. She simply took my hand, made a phone call to Carlisle and Esme, and we were off. We stayed traveled for a while, visiting London and various parts of Europe before coming back to the states to visit our cousins in Denali.

The sisters, Eleazar and Carmen welcomed us with open arms, and it was peaceful for a time. We stayed for months, Alice and I, just enjoying each other and be able to be husband and wife, without maintaining the human façade.

But now it was time to re-congregate and we were going back to school. College this time. How redundant, I was going once again as a History major. I probably knew more than the entire history department combined, but I digress.

We all met at the new house and proceeded to catch up. Emmett being the ever cheerful one, clapped me on the back as soon as I was through the door.

"Jas, my man, it's good to see you man. It's been awhile!" He said enthusiastically.

"I know Em, I'm sorry man."

He sighed "Ah you know me, I'm just enjoying the ride."

Emmett may come off as an overgrown jock, maybe even an idiot, but I knew different. I could feel it. I felt his relief to have the family reunited, and the slight sadness at the fact that it still wasn't completely whole. Emmett would do anything for his family, as would I.

We exchanged pleasantries, and roughhoused, like no time had passed. When I felt him.

Edwards despair. His loneliness, his agony.

It was enough to make me keel over with it's weight.

Reading my thoughts he sighed and his hands yanked his hair.

"I'm so sorry, Jasper."

_You have nothing to be sorry for_

He shook his head "I know that you have placed this blame on yourself."

_It was my blame to place, _I thought bitterly.

I felt his own self-loathing, far surpassing anything I'd ever felt before. I wondered if this was how he'd felt since that fateful day three years ago.

"Every hour, every minute of every day," He answered my thoughts.

I sighed. Bella and Edwards love was the strongest I'd ever come across in my almost two-hundred years. It was as if fate made them for one another, to fit together perfectly. I wondered if maybe...

"No! She will not be put in danger on my account ever again. She deserves better than me, Jasper."

I let it go. There wasn't any point in arguing with him. It was almost time for school anyways. My first class of the day was Western Civilization. I was looking forward to it because despite the fact that I'd been to college many times over, I'd never taken a Western Civ. class. I hope it would at the very least be interesting. Alice, Edward, Rose, Emmett and I, piled into Edwards new BMW 760LI. He still owned the volvo, but hadn't driven it since Forks. I guess it held too many memories for him.

I was almost late arriving to class, I got held up in giving Edward a good dose of calm before jetting off at a human pace to the opposite end of the campus. The only seat that was available was next to a brunette on the second row. She had her head in a book so I couldn't see her face but as soon as I entered the room I was assaulted with a familiar scent. Freesias.

_No. Fucking. Way._

For the first time in my life I believed that there might be such thing as fate. It's hard to believe in things when you've got an endless amount of time ahead of you and no afterlife to look forward to. But as I walked towards the chair next to the one girl that had changed everything for my family, I knew that this was fate. Someone out there was giving me a sign. A sign to right so many wrongs.

"Bella?"

She jerked her head up, and astonishment was the first thing I noticed, plastered on her face. Then I felt her emotions, a tidal wave of pain, anger, and loss hit me so fast I damn near crumbled in the chair next to her.

"Jasper?" She said slowly, as if she was unsure I were real.

I took the time to look at her, really look at her. Bella Swan had changed over the last few years from a pretty girl into a beautiful woman. Her hair had gotten longer, almost to her waist, and her face had become more angular. This woman-child was the sister I'd never thought I would see again, and to see her in front of me. Alive. Real. With eyes that seemed to have seen so much for her young age of twenty one. They held the weight of the world, and her grief was her motivating force.

"What are you doing here Jasper?" She broke me out of my stupor.

"We moved here to go to school Bella."

She blanched _"We? _

"Yes my whole family." Edward was going to shit a brick. _Oh God, Edward, how do I tell him?_

"Oh," She said quietly. "I guess... I won't be a problem for you guys, I promise."

I failed to see what she was getting at. Did she really think she was going to be a problem? I didn't understand. Though, Bella had always been weird for a human, I could usually tell by her emotions what was going through her brain. Now, all I got was numb. She was purposefully numbing her emotions, because she didn't want me to know something? Why?

We didn't speak anymore, because the professor decided to start class at the time. I watched her out of the corner of my eye. She tried to maintain composure. This much I could tell. But every once in awhile I'd hear her heart accelerate and see her eyes tighten. My phone buzzed, jerking me from my thoughts.

**I swear I didn't see this coming-Alice**

I didn't think she had.

**I know Ali, what are we going to do?-Jasper**

**We're going to have to figure something out J, we have to. I can't lose her again. Neither can the rest of them. I can't see anything.-Alice**

I sighed, this, I knew already.

Alice text me again before I could respond.

**Your teacher is fixing to let you out in three minutes. I'm already here.-Alice**

I put my phone away. I turned to see Bella looking at me with a sly smile on her face.

"Alice didn't see me I take it?"

I looked at her in surprise. "No, she didn't."

Just then the bell rang and we both stood up. She threw her bag over her shoulder and looked at me.

"That's because I _decided _not to be seen."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: That's the end of Chapter Two. So what did you guys think of Jaspers POV? Should I keep going? Do I suck at this? Please review. This chapter is kind of meant to push the story a long a little bit. A little Bella and Alice reunion next. **


	3. Chapter 3

_"That's because I _decided _not to be seen."_

I watched the shock cross Jaspers face as we exited the class room. I could see the questions in his eyes. Questions I did not want to answer.

I started to walk away when someone very tiny rammed into me with the force of a wrecking ball.

"Umpfh," I gasped as the breath was knocked out of me.

"Bella! Oh my god! It's really you! I've missed you so much. How did I not see this?"

Alice. _Alice._

I froze in her embrace, unsure of what to do. Why was she acting so happy to see me? She left me too.

So many emotions ran through me at that moment. Happiness, relief, pain, sadness... but I focused on one: anger.

Alice, sensing my discomfort, extracted her arms from my waste, and a look that I thought was hurt crossed her perfect features.

We stood there, staring at one another. She was exactly as I remembered her. Pale skin, golden eyes, perfect face. A perfect face that was etched in hurt.

I felt another wave of anger roll over me and I took a few steps back.

"Hello, Alice," I kept my tone indifferent.

I had considered this woman to be my best friend, my sister. _She left me too. _And here she was, looking at me as if i was one of the most important people in the world. I wished that were true. My eyes narrowed and I jerked up my chin.

"I have to go," I said frostily, turning on my heel and storming out of the building and crossing to the parking lot swiftly. I sensed rather than heard Jasper and Alice trailing behind me.

"Bella wait-"

"Wait for what?" I turned and spat at Alice. She froze, her eyes widening in hurt and disbelief. I didn't care.

"What for what Alice? I waited for months, fucking _months_. No email, no phone call. Not even to say 'Hi Bella, just checking to make sure you're alive' or 'Hi Bella, just wanted to say fuck you and have a nice life.' Tell me Alice, when why, in Gods green earth should I _wait._"

I felt a wave of calm surrounding me, but I stood my ground.

"Don't you fucking manipulate my emotions Jasper!" I nearly growled. He looked at me sheepishly and bowed his head.

"Bella I didn't want to leave you!" Alice cried, reaching out to me. She looked so heartbroken, her eyes filling with the tears she could not shed, and something inside me broke a little. I hated that I still cared.

"So why did you?" my voice was barely a whisper.

Alice's features morphed from pain into confusion, "That's what you wanted."

Now it was my turn to look confused, "What the hell are you talking about?"

She opened her mouth to reply but was cut short when I was abruptly lifted from the floor and swung around in a bone crushing hug.

"Bella!"

I was put down and I gazed dizzily upward to see Emmett smiling down at me, Rosalie looking beautiful as ever, rolling her eyes from behind him.

"Hey Emmett...Rosalie," I nodded to her.

"Bella it's been forever. How ya doin' lil sis?" Emmett grinned, the cute dimpled grin that used to force my returning smile. Not today.

"Oh _joy, _the humans back," her voice was full of disdain. Three years ago, I'd been intimidated by Rosalie. But now, with my heart being torn to shreds and what not, I was just pissed off.

"Don't be condescending towards me, bitch," I glared at her, "I get that you don't like me and that's fine. But you don't get to speak to me as if I'm beneath you. So if you can't treat me like a descent human being, I suggest you back the fuck off."

Emmett, Alice and Jasper stood there with their mouths dropped, looking at me as if I'd sprouted another head. Rosalie stepped towards me as though she was going to hit me, her perfect features contorted in anger, but I stood my ground. I was not _that _Bella anymore, and nobody was going to talk down to me. She stopped once we were glaring at each other nose to nose. I could feel her cold breath on my face. Her eyes narrowed for a fraction of a second before her face relaxed into an appraising smile.

"Well, it's about time you grew a backbone Bella Swan. It's good to see you." She touched my arm gently before looking at the three frozen vampires behind us. "What? I like her alot better this way," she shrugged.

I stood there a little confused. _What. The. Fuck._

Alice was the first to thaw out, "Wait! Pause!," Alice focused her attention back on me.

"Bella, you expected me to call you when you requested that we didn't contact you anymore. How could you be mad for getting what you wanted?" she asked, her voicing giving away her confusion, albeit a little petulantly.

"Alice, I _never _said I wanted you to leave. I never would've. I wanted you. All of you. Why would ever think that?"

Realization dawned on her face. And this made me confused.

"I'm going to _kill _him," She screeched, then looking around to see if we were alone in the parking lot, which we were, she faced her siblings. "Edward lied to us."

Just his name ripped my chest apart. I felt the my pain and sorrow push its way through the barriers that I'd built to protect myself. Maybe.. it was the shock that kept them at bay. Seeing Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett gave me solid proof that I hadn't been crazy. That he wasn't something I dreamed up. That he, in all of his otherworldly perfection, had in fact existed.

And I had loved him desperately. All consumingly.

Loved him still.

I took in the Cullens, their perfect faces an varying degrees of confusion, anger and pain. The last being from Jasper, sensing my own.

"I have to go," I said abruptly. "I can't be here."

"Bella wait-" Jasper began.

"No, Jasper I have to _go_. I can't watch you all walk away from me again. Goodbye."

I flew onto my bike while simultaneously throwing the keys in the ignition. My foot nudged my kickstand up, and I spun around, driving away from my former family.

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><p><strong>AN: This is a short chapter I know. But I figure that's a good place to cut off. Next is APOV and what exactly made them leave forks without saying goodbye. Reviews? Please? I'll give you a virtual cookie :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews guys! I'm glad to be getting positive feedback. It makes me happy. Well I have strep throat right now so I'm not going to work or school the next couple of days... Maybe if you're nice and review I'll post a chapter quicker? Huh? OK, well anyways here's a little Alice POV. It's a little rough but meh, it's cool. See ya next time! :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I do however own a desktop computer, luckily since my laptop has f'd up on me. **

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><p><strong>Don't know if our fate's already sealed<strong>

**This day's a spinning circus on a wheel  
>'nd I'm ill with the thought of your kiss<br>Coffee laced intoxicating on her lips.**

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><p><strong>APOV<strong>

Watching Bella drive away, my family and I just stared dumbfounded.

"That was awesome, Bella driving away on a _motorcycle_, and in high heels? When the fuck did that happen?" Emmett, of course.

Rosalie slapped him on the back of the head, before turning to face me.

"What did you mean when you said Edward lied to us? I thought she didn't want to be around us anymore," She inquired.

"If her emotions are any indication, I don't think that's what she wanted. At all," Jasper added on.

I stayed quiet. How did I not _see _this? My best friend, my sister, had been in New York all this time and I had been none the wiser. Not that I had really tried to look. Edward had made me promise I wouldn't. But even still I should've seen something.

When we had left Forks three years ago, I stopped seeing Bella. Usually I would get glimpses of someone, but not her. When I'd first realized this I had freaked out, thinking something might have happened to her. The only consolation I had was that her records still indicated that she was in school. I admit, I'd always hoped that we would go back for her. Edward wasn't the only one that lost her, the rest of us did too. It was like we were a puzzle with missing pieces. Our family, the few times we were all together over the past few years, just didn't feel _right_ anymore.

Bella.

She'd changed, you didn't have to be a psychic to see that. She had a confidence to her gait that wasn't there. The smile and red blush that used to grace her face was replaced by harsh lines of bitterness. Yes, she'd definitely changed.

"What are we gonna do Alice?" Jasper brought me out of my reverie.

"I don't know," I managed to choke out. Sensing my despair, Jasper pulled me into his arms, resting my head against his chest.

"I vote for kicking the shit out of Edward," Emmett again, of course.

"He should already be waiting on us," Rose commented.

We began walking at a human pace to the parking garage. I reminded my siblings to block their thoughts. I didn't want Edward to freak out before we got home. This wasn't going to go well. At all.

We found Edward waiting in his BMW, his face void of emotion. Thats how it is nowadays. Before Bella, he would just sit and brood. When he met Bella and fell in love with her, you would see a genuine smile plastered across his face almost all the time. Now, if his face isn't contorted in pain, its blank. Disturbingly so.

On the ride home, Edward glanced around at all of us.

"Why is everyone blocking their thoughts from me, it's extremely annoying. And pop songs, Emmett? Really?"

"Nothing Edward, we will discuss it when we get home," I said exasperated. I myself was reciting the Declaration of Independence, in Arabic.

He fell silent then, and slipped into the Brooding Edward face. Probably trying to catch one of us slipping. But my siblings assured me they would block their thoughts at all cost.

I didn't know what all of this meant for us, but of three things I was absolutely sure of.

First, Bella never got over Edward, you could see it in her eyes when his name was spoken. Second, there was something missing, a vital piece of the story that he left out. And third, I would totally help Emmett kick his ass if needed.

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity. Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck_.

I'd just confronted four Cullens and I was reeling. It seemed like everything was happening so fast I didn't know up from down. They'd been gone, for three years then all of the sudden I see them blurring through my life like nothing happened. Like years hadn't passed?

Fuck.

Alice. I wonder what she meant when she said _he _lied? What could he possibly have to lie about? It's as simple as 'Hey guys, Bella is boring and insignificant let's go, man I don't know what I saw in that bitch.' See? Not hard. At all.

So why did she look so torn up? Why did Emmett seem so happy? Or Rosalie, who's never liked me, even she cracked a wan smile at me, for the first time ever I might add.

So many questions.

I pulled out my cell and started dialing. On the second ring he picked up.

"Dans Funeral Home, You stab 'em we grab 'em."

"Ace where the fuck do you come up with shit like that?"

I heard his snort through the phone, "It keeps life interesting. What can I do for you, tiny?"

"I need to talk," I said, my voice breaking.

"I'm on the way," all playfulness had left his voice.

I sat on the floor, in the kitchen of my small one bedroom apartment, and cried. So long it had been since I let these walls come down. Well, it's not like I let them down, the Cullens broke them down like a fucking wrecking ball. Stupid vampires. The hole in my chest was getting new fissures around the ends. Maybe one day, in ten or twenty years, it'll chip and break away until eventually I won't have a heart to break. Maybe I won't survive long enough either way. Yes, I've contemplated it. Fuck who wouldn't to escape this misery? But in the end, I had to think about Charlie and Jake. They deserve better. _And I'm too_ _hemaphobic_.So I continue to try becoming someone else. Not that sheltered, naive Bella Swan, but the one who would kick Edward Cullens ass if she ever saw him again.

I hope I could be her.

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><p>"Regurgitated cum bubble."<p>

"Twat waffle."

"Penis wrinkle."

"Vagina trout."

"Ass Spackle."

"Eww, Bella that's gross," Acers laugh echoed throughout his tiny apartment. He'd found me in my distress, curled in a ball, and deemed we needed to have a few drinks before work tonight. Hey, it's a bar, we're not supposed to drink but need to act tipsy. Why not make it for real? We'd gotten out a case of beer and fallen into playful banter, my problems, not forgotten, but pushed back for the moment.

"Oh what? Seriously dude, you need to get yourself a new category of women if you've been anywhere near a vagina trout," I laughed, tipping the rest of my beer back.

"Haha, and what? You need to categorize your own books, Swan. I don't see any men running from your room at four in the morning. Got a misses hiding in the closet?" He knows I'm not gay, he just makes fun of me because I have an obvious disinterest in all things male.

"Fuck you. I'm still a breeder."

We laughed and talked shit for the next hour but eventually we had to leave for work. I rode to work with Ace, like I always did and adjusted the strap to my top.

"Ugh, I fucking hate this, who has to wear shit like this to work, normal bartenders don't have too," I whined.

"You're not a normal bartender," Ace said, "And working at Bikinis, you make bank. Tell me you'd make that good of money somewhere else?"

He's right. On a Friday night alone I make five hundred bucks. Bikinis was a sports bar about three miles from the college. It was mostly frat boys and playboys that graced the scene with their latest arm candy wrapped around their torso, but they came here to see us. The Bartenders. Dressed in shorts that slung low on the hips and barely covered the ass, with a deep red bikini top? Yes, and add thigh-high, stiletto boots and you had every college boys wet dream. I was hot, my hair flowing all the way down my back, with smoky dramatic eyes and pouty lips. More to the imagination.

I hate it, but I love the staff and the money. The other bartenders are doing it for the same reasons I am, and the bouncers are like our over-protective big brothers. My boss, Viv, is very accommodating with our schedules and always reminds us that we will have a home if it's needed. Best. Boss. Ever. Plus, we don't get paid waitress and bartender wages. The bar itself does so good we get minimum wage plus tips. So I run out of here with about four grand between pay stubs and tips. Living in NY ain't cheap. I hated showing off my body, but at the same time, it's not like they can touch me. If they do, they get kicked with a four inch heel, and Ace throws them out. Simple as that.

The first two hours of my shift are the slowest. Things don't start to pick up till nine thirty, when everyone needs a breather from school. It's not as busy as it would be on the weekends because some people have the odd Tuesday-Thursday class, but it still gets packed fairly easy at Bikinis. Especially when it's the best place to go. Once there's a sufficient amount of people. I climb on the bar. This is why they come to see us. It's showtime.

I crouched in the center of the bar, my hair covering my face. As the first verse came on I rolled my head back and slowly stood up.

_She said "Don't leave this up to me to say that I don't love you anyway"_  
><em>Just leave it up to me to say goodbye<em>  
><em>Because these good times will never last<em>  
><em>Keep a hand on the wheel and a foot on the gas<em>  
><em>We thought it would last forever<em>  
><em>I wish you'd just remember<em>

I twisted and turned. Rolling my body. Hands behind my head. I lost myself in the music.

_No_  
><em>Will anything change your mind?<em>  
><em>A one way ticket was a pretty good sign<em>  
><em>Well how can you leave it all?<em>  
><em>There ain't much to leave behind<em>  
><em>Just say goodbye<em>  
><em>So say goodbye<em>  
><em>Say goodbye<em>

These are the times when I loved my job. It was a win-lose situation. I loved the music vibrating through the sinews of my muscles. The beat of the drums and my heart pulsing together. I hated that people watched me, before and afterwards. But during this moment, I let it go. I would worry about my problems and insecurities and worthlessness tomorrow. Tonight is mine.

_Next time I'll take it slow_  
><em>And as for you I'll never know<em>  
><em>At least next time I'll try to understand<em>  
><em>So please don't leave this up to me to say that you don't love me anyway<em>  
><em>I'll just leave it up to you to say goodbye<em>  
><em>Cuz these good times will never last<em>  
><em>Keep a hand on the wheel and a foot on the gas<em>  
><em>We thought it would last forever<em>  
><em>In case you don't remember<em>

The song reverberated through me and into the crowd. I could feel their eyes on me. Mostly a lust-filled, drunken stupor. There were always some dancers amongst the crowd that just genuinely enjoyed the dancing for what it was. But mostly it was foreplay for whatever girl was used to satisfy some need of the college male. Bastards. So disrespectful. _You aren't complaining when they're throwing hundred dollar bills in your tip jar. _Shut up.

_What? I'm being honest with you._

Yes. I talk to the voices in my head and they talk back. Fuck you, don't judge me.

My set ended and I hopped down behind the bar. Leila, our Swedish bartender rose to do the next set. The other bartender, Avalon, don't ask me why her parents named her after a car, had a glass of water waiting for me.

"You did good Bitch. What's gotten into you? You never put that much soul into your moves. If I didn't know ya any better, I'd say ya didn't have it in ya," She passed me my water and a towel.

"Long day," I replied curtly.

Avalon just laughed, "Well go clean up, I can man down the fort for another ten minutes."

I said my thanks and walked out back to get some fresh air. I was sweating my make up off. _Fuck, I'm going to look like Frankenstein if I keep that shit up_. Lighting a cigarette, I leaned against the bar. And I knew I wasn't alone.

Eyes closed, I slowly and very deliberately turned. I opened my eyes and there he was. Perfect. Absolute. An angel of death looking down upon his city could hold nothing against this man. His tousled hair windblown. The perfect edge of masculinity to his jaw tight.

I couldn't breath for a moment.

We stared at each other, for what seemed like days. He was beautiful in his grace, and he had not changed a bit since the day he left me standing. In the woods. Alone.

This is the part that I remember.

And I get pissed off.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Edward?"

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><p><strong>AN: *hides* see ya next time**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: o0o0o0o0o I'm so happy with the reviews you guys are giving me. I think I may be blushing just a smidgen. Lol. But anyways here is Chapter 5 of A&W. Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except a fuckhawt new Zippo with the saying "you mad bro?" on it! woohoo**

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><p><strong><strong>I'll tear myself away,

If that is what you need.

There is nothing left to say.

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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

My day started out the same as any other day. Dull, void of any fulfillment, I wish something would spark life into me. Of course I knew what, _who,_ would. But that can't happen. She couldn't possibly take me back after all this time.

I decided to major in medicine for the third time. It is something that never gets old considering advances in the medical world happen on a daily basis. Every day, someone takes a step closer to cure cancer. Not that vampires are affected by cancer or anything. But whatever. It's something to do. Anything to distract me from thinking about _her_.

It doesn't work all the time, but going to school helps. Being vampires, we are able think of multiple things at once, hence our quick reaction skills. A lot of things in the brain that we used as humans, like breathing, sleeping, using facilities, don't apply anymore. So they become null and voided and our brain is able to harness the parts of it not normally used.

So, no, I never NOT think about Bella. I wouldn't wish to not think of her ever again. I never knew what the meaning of my existence was until I'd met her. She'd completely altered me from the moment I caught her scent in biology all those years ago. She was everything, and I would never stop loving her. But, I could do this; continue to do this, if it meant that she was safe and happy. I could bear to live without her, so long as she existed. And I would not damn that existence.

It turns out not only did I have no classes with any of my siblings, but I was entirely on the other side of campus as well. Not that the distance bothered me, but some familiarity would be nice. A&P was always boring. Nothing about the human body has changed. The muscles and cells and bones are all the same. I don't listen to the professor drone through the introductions and reviewing the syllabus.

_Oh who's that stud in the back row?_

_Yum, I'd like for him to be my anatomy partner._

_Of course, all the hot chicks are looking at Pretty Boy over there. Ugh. _

I clench my jaw. I really wish I could turn it off. People tend to have shallow and selfish thinking patterns in a general sense. Some are more compassionate and kind then others. Some have a conscience of it, but most people are unaware of how much inner desires affect them. _I fucking hate my life. _

I wish I would've stayed away. I love my family, don't get me wrong. But I hate doing this sometimes. I know why I do it. I don't want to be a monster, I want to be humane. When it boils down to it though, I'm not; we're just not human. Repeating high school and college over and over again was tedious. So tedious. But I know that this is better than living life on the other side. I've been there and I would never go back. Even if I wanted to, I would stay this way for her. Bella would want me to be good. To maintain some semblance of my humanity.

Oh, Bella my love.

Another reason I should've stayed away is because my family is made of pairs. It didn't really bother me before, because I hadn't known love. I hadn't felt it course through my mind, my body and my dead heart. I hadn't known Bella. Seeing them all together is just another reminder of what I've lost.

I look at Carlisle and see him stitching up her knee after her klutziness claimed her. I look at Esme and see Bella in her loving embrace. I remember Emmett spinning her around in a bear hug that only he could give her. Alice is the worst, because Bella is/was her best friend. They spent countless hours together laughing and creating mischief. But the worst, I look at them all, even Rose though she never approved of Bella, and see the pain in their eyes from her absence. It's my fault. I took this from them, and the worst part is they don't know it was me.

I lied to everyone. Them. Bella. And I'll have to carry that guilt for eternity.

_How did I get here?_

The rest of the day passed in a blur. I zoned out during all of my classes because I'd taken them three and four times before.

Walking to my car, I noticed my siblings weren't there yet. Huh. My class got out the latest. Oh well, I thought as I got in my beamer. I didn't turn on the music; just enjoyed the silence. The parking garage was empty so there were no minds to tune out. Peace.

نحن تعقد هذه الحقائقنفسه بنفسه واضح

_Let's have some fun this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick…._

_The history books are so inaccurate. I swear one day I'm going to write a history text book that actually tells the history… I don't know how I'd get it proven. Can't actually say I was there so…_

_God Emmett is so sexy, he has no idea what's in store for him when he gets home…_

Okay, Ew.

"Why is everyone blocking their thoughts from me, it's extremely annoying. And pop songs, Emmett? Really?" They never did this, unless they were planning something or… something happened that they knew I wouldn't like.

Alice assured me they would tell me when we got home. I knew Alice would get her way so I just started driving. I tried to catch her thoughts to see if they would stray… but she looked at me knowingly every time. Ugh! Now I want to know. Whatever, I don't even care.

We arrived to the manor within fifteen minutes. It was three stories, had eight bedrooms, 5 bathrooms and a balcony overlooking the forest behind the house. Esme had gone all out on this one. I know she did it because she missed us. It was her way of welcoming us home. Together, as a family. Entering the house, I caught their thoughts and knew my parents were in the dining room at the table. Alice must have called them already.

We all gathered around the table, my siblings still shielding their thoughts.

"Okay what is going on?" I asked.

Alice looked at me and her face shifted and contorted with pain, sadness and irritation before it settled into a calm fury.

"What really happened that day Edward?"

I froze; she knows we don't talk about it. They all do. "What are you talking about?" I asked stupidly.

"What happened that day in the woods? With _Bella_," she sneered.

I blanched, "Alice why are you doing this? I-"

"You selfish sonofabitch!" She screeched. Everyone held their breath, me included.

"We _saw _her today Edward. She was three feet in front of me. Don't tell me that you told us everything because let me tell you, from the look on that girls face, she didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. So you need to fess up. Start. Fucking. Talking."

Everyone looked between Alice and I. Her half crouched stance a striking contrast between mine, which could only be interpreted as an "oh shit" stance.

"Edward," Esme spoke up quietly. "What's going on."

I looked around at all of them, taking each of them in. They didn't deserve this, no they did not. And I would hate myself for forever.

"She didn't break up with me. I left her." I sagged my shoulders in defeat.

Silence.

Then everyone started talking at once.

"You bastard you let my best friend hate me!"

"Edward you are such an idiot."

"Bro, what the fuck?"

"Oh Edward honey why would you lie to us?"

"Edward I can't believe you'd do this to Alice-"

"ENOUGH!"

Carlisle was standing at the head of the table. His young face strained with emotion. Everyone subsided at once and looked at him. Carlisle never raced his voice. He turned to face me, looked me in the eye.

_You said she finally realized the danger. _

I nodded, ashamed.

_You said she didn't want to be around us anymore._

I nodded again, my mouth drawing to a thin line.

_Why?_

"Carlisle she was in danger every single day. She couldn't continue trying to keep up with the supernatural. She would've ended up dying or being one of us. I couldn't keep putting her in danger."

"Edward I always understood your concern, but you didn't have to lie to us."

I felt chastised. Carlisle never berated me, not even when I'd rebelled and came begging for forgiveness.

"I'm sorry."

I turned to Alice, who was in Esmes arms. Both of their eyes were filled with tears they'd never shed.

"I'm so sorry Alice," I knelt in front of her, my eyes beseeching.

She shuddered delicately, "I didn't get to say goodbye."

"But she's here now Al," Jasper soothed. "You can be her friend again if she'll let you."

I was so focused on the wrath of my family that… oh shit. Bella is here. Bella's here. Fuck. Oh my god. What am I going to do? Should I leave? Surely she won't want to see me.

I should go.

"Don't. Edward."

"I have to Alice," I stated.

She shook her head.

_I had my first vision of Bella in three years. She's going to be at work tonight. We. Are. Going. _

"We're going to see Bella tonight," She stated matter-of-factly. "Come on Rose, Jazz, we need to get dressed. I can't see how any of this is going to go. Since seeing Bella isn't something I've been able to do in a while, I have no idea how she will react to all of this. But we have to try. You," she looked me in the eye, "have to try."

_Oh, hell._

* * *

><p>We had to take two different cars, my beamer and Carlisle's Mercedes since everyone was going. This was going to be heaven and hell all wrapped into one. I was going to see Bella, which is what I've wished every day for the last three years. That's 1095 days, 26280 hours 1576800 minutes. I was on edge at the thought of seeing her beautiful face. But I knew I was going to have to watch her walk away from me. Surely no one as good as Bella was single, and even if she was, I'd never be good enough for her. She will hate me, no doubt.<p>

Following the directions from Alice, we pulled into the parking lot of a lively bar by the name of Bikinis. You could hear the music and cheering filling up the inside, even without vampire hearing.

We all made our way towards the entrance where a tall, burly man stood with his arms crossed. His face was friendly, but I could read in his thoughts that this man could probably crush a human skull with his bare hands if he chose to. _Me too, buddy._

"IDs?" the Bouncer asked, whose name we learned was Acer.

After showing us through the door, my family and I looked around. It was a bunch of drunk college men and desperate girls trying to get their attention. Typical. The bar was decent sized, and the music was good. But I couldn't help asking.

"Bella works here?" I turned around to look at the rest of my family.

They were all looking passed me, their jaws slack. I followed their gazes and froze.

_Holy Fuck. _

Bella. Dancing on a bar. Half naked.

I couldn't think in complete sentences. She was crawling slowly to the left side of the bar, her hair falling seductively across her back and over her shoulders. She stood up and gyrated her hips, lifting her arms over her and letting her head drop back. He face was one of contentment. A small smile played on her lips.

"Dude, Bella looks hot," Emmett said. Jasper and I nodded quietly along with him.

Hot was an understatement. She was breathtaking. Her body was a womans body. No longer awkward and skinny. She had full firm breasts, a taught stomach that showed her muscles, and her waste gave way to a rounded ass that sat high in her barely-there shorts. Don't get me started on her legs. God, she is beautiful.

I was in full on lust mode.

Until I heard the thoughts of every other male in the room, aside from my family.

I growled and crouched, ready to kill them all but Jasper felt my emotions and was able to yank me back and out the door.

"Edward don't-"

"You don't know what they were thinking!" I snarled.

"Yes, I do," he said deliberately "Empath remember? I felt there lust raging off of them. Even the women."

I took a few deep breaths trying to calm myself. Jasper stood silently beside me, sending calming waves towards me. Thank god. He felt my gratitude.

"What am I going to do Jas? I fucked up everything."

He regarded me slowly. "You just try to change it."

"How?"

He sighed.

"I don't know Edward. I'm sorry, I'm not mad at you like the others because I do understand what you were going through. I could feel it. I don't know if I could've left Alice, but if it meant keeping her safe…yeah I get it. You just got to try to make it up to them. It takes time, but we are a family. And families don't stay mad at each other."

Then I sighed. He was right.

"What about Bella?"

He chuckled. "Well that's entirely up to Bella. She is very sad and angry; Edward just mentioning your name almost ripped her open. I don't know if those wounds will heal with a simple I'm sorry. If she chooses to have you in her life, then it's on her terms. But I think that these things take time. Try to explain your reasons to her, maybe she will understand. But honestly, I don't know."

I huffed. Everything is so fucked. I looked at my cell phone and saw a text from Alice saying that Bellas set was almost done.

Going inside, we met up with my family.

"She's going out back," Alice informed me, "We'll give you space, but let us know if you need or want us."

I nodded appreciatively, as they meandered into the bar again.

Going around the back, I saw Bella leaning against a railing, smoking a cigarette. My heart ached at the sight of her. She was perfect.

She sighed with what seemed to be resignation and her pulse quickened. With a sharp intake of breath, she looked up and trained her blazing eyes on me.

"What the fuck are you doing here Edward?"

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><p><strong>AN: Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn okay yeah so Eddie is fixing to get ROASTEDDDD. I'm so excited. Okay so when Alice was blocking her thoughts from Edward at school, the arabic translates into "We hold these truths to be self-evident." ya know, from the Declaration of Independence. Why I chose for her to recite that I have no clue. I shoulda chose Vogue magazine or something lol. Tehe, well I'm going to have The next chapter posted withing the next few days so review review review? Pretty please with Edward Fucking Cullen on top? Alrighty beautiful people, until next time. **


	6. Chapter 6

**K so this chapter isn't as long as I wanted it to be but that's okay, I guess I'll live. Well here is the anticipated conversation between B&E, though I'd say it's more of a monologue than anything. Okay so I'm going to quit rambling. Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>I'll drown in my tear storming sea,<br>That would show you, that would make you hurt like me

* * *

><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

"_What the fuck are you doing here Edward?"_

His hands, clasped nervously in front of him, reached up to run through his tousled bronze hair. He seemed to be deciding on what to say, if he had anything to say.

"Why are you working at a place like this Bella? Its ghastly and has no class, do you have any idea what every male in that bar was think-"

"Shut up."

He stopped with his mouth slightly open.

"I work here to make ends meet, not that it is any of your concern," my voice was ice cold.

"Bella can we talk," Edward took a step towards me, his hand reaching out.

"Talk?" My voice rose in volume. "What the hell do you want to talk about? How you lied to me? How you left? There's a gargantuan amount of things to talk about so you should probably be a little fucking specific."

His eyes lit up, "Yes Bella, I lied. But not in the way you think. I lied when I told you I didn't love you. I lied when I said I didn't want you."

Seventeen year old Bella would've stumbled into his arms. I wish she was still here sometimes. But I am not her. I've been broken and beaten, heartbroken for years. I was not susceptible to bull shit.

"How convenient," I sneered. "You have the nerve to show up after three years and tell me you have always loved me? I waited for you, for _months. _Get real, Edward. This isn't a fucking fairytale, this is life. It doesn't work that way. I understand why you left, I wasn't much compared to you. But still I deserved better than that. If you didn't love me, you could have just told me. I would've understood."

He stepped closer to me, his eyes widened beseechingly "Bella, please-"

"_Bella Please?" _I mocked him "Please what? I said please. I begged you not to go, I followed you for hours into the woods. You wouldn't listen to my plea, why should I listen to yours?"

I paused, and then let my face soften.

"I always imagined what I would do if I ever saw you again."

My voice was soft, barely a whisper but I knew he would hear. He closed the distance between us until we were standing toe to toe. His scent, that lovely honey and lilac and sunshine washed over me. It did not render me incoherent like it used to, but instead filled me with a deep longing. I wanted to fall hopelessly for him. To put the past behind us and ignore the horrible nightmare my life had been. But I was stronger than the impulse. I wouldn't let it overpower me, because had he loved me… really loved me, I would've been worth the fight.

I sighed, miserable and angry and hollow. "If it had been me in your place and I'd had the strength, I would've ripped the world apart to be with you."

"Do you know how utterly miserable I was without you Bella? I thought that if I left you would have a chance at a normal life. To be safe and loved. To have everything I could never give you, children and a family." His velvet voice quivered with the depth of his emotion. I could see that this was hurting him. For what? I had no answer. Because it isn't logical to love someone and then leave them.

Lifting my head, I met his amber eyes with a fierce gaze. My fury peaked, my brain completely disconnected and I snapped.

"You left to give me a normal life? WHAT THE FUCK! You decided to take my life away from me so I could be safe? Normal? I was never normal Edward!" I was yelling, and I vaguely noticed his family in my peripheral, silently watching me come apart. "Did you ever think that it might be prudent to discuss decisions on MY life with ME? I'm not your fucking child, Edward. I was more than capable of making my own decisions."

He tried to cut in but I was on a roll. Three years of pent up anger flowed through me, vibrating and setting me aflame.

"And _safe?_ I wasn't ever safe. If it wasn't for my friends, I would've been long dead, and your so called reasons for leaving would've been completely fucking negligent."

"What?" was his brilliant reply.

"Victoria, remember her? Yeah, well when you and your family decided to up and leave, she came back for me. I was tortured for two days before Jacob and his friends were able to find me. See this?" I turned around, showing him my back, where my tattoo took up most of it, sticking out like a sore thumb. "If you look close enough, you can see the jagged lines where she used a serrated knife on my back. So tell me again, you think you left to protect me? You have no fucking idea, Edward. So save me your excuses. You are nothing more than a coward."

"You say you left to save me, to save my humanity and whatever other bullshit you felt the need to protect. But that was a lie." I turned to so I was facing both him and his family. Esmes face was torn with grief, Carlisle holding her while trying to digest my words. Alices eyes were bright with venom she couldn't release, her arms wrapped around Jasper who was bending over from the weight of our emotions. Emmetts mouth was agape, confused. Rosalie was looking, well, more like glaring at Edward.

"He says he left me to protect me," I addressed his family. "That was a lie. This man left to protect himself. He was afraid of the love I had for him, so instead of dealing with it, he ran like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs. He negated my feelings because I was _only human_. He played out our entire lives in his head, and decided to end it before it started."

I turned back to Edward, who looked like he wished he could disappear. His angels face was severe with his agony. I understood all too well. I knew exactly what it felt like to have all your insecurities and fears come into the light. Yes, I understood very well.

"Bella," He said desperately, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you, I always will."

My hand flew across his face so quick I didn't have the time to stop it. Fuck, this is why I don't like to get angry. Somewhere in the past few years my mouth to brain filter broke as well as the part in my brain that controls jerk reactions.

I felt the crunch of bone as my hand met his cheek. Probably not the smartest thing in the world to do, slapping steel. Yep, I winced, definitely broken. But at that moment, I didn't care. I registered the pain yes, it was damn near excruciating, but I didn't allow myself to dwell on it.

I turned my back to him and his family, walking back up the stone steps of my job. Feeling one tear slowly descend upon my cheek, I brushed it away quickly. I don't know how I ended up here, at bikinis, having a fucking reunion with my vampire ex-boyfriend. This morning, I'd woken up and my life had been as normal as I could've possibly imagined. Tonight, I watched it fall apart around me, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

I reached the door and turned the knob to step inside. I spared him one last look, knowing that I could no longer hide the pain I could feel seeping through my soul and onto my face. I met those eyes and felt my own water.

"God, how I wish I believed you."

Then I shut the door.

* * *

><p><strong>EmPOV<strong>

Dude.

What the fuck just happened?

I was angry. At Edward, at Bella, my family and at myself.

I knew something was off with Edwards story, but I dismissed it because I saw his pain, so there was no reason to question it. It was the reaction I would've had if Rose had told me she didn't want me anymore.

But I knew that Bella loved Edward. You could see it every time they were in the room. I had never seen anything as strong or pure as what those two had shared. It was awe inspiring, though I would never admit it out loud. Their love was one of fantasy. The kind you only read about.

I should've did something. Anything. I watched my family fall apart, and I did nothing. And now, seeing Bella so strong and fierce, yet so defeated, I was pissed off even more.

I could've stopped this from happening. I could've beat the shit out of Edward, which I still plan to do.

She stood there calm and collected at first, as he desperately searched for a way to make her understand. But Bella wouldn't understand. Just like I didn't. Bella and I were alike in a lot of ways in thinking that love was pretty much black and white. Either you love someone or you don't. You want to be with them or you don't. You need them... or you don't. Simple and to the point.

My family and I watched as she laid into him with a fury I would've never thought she possessed. She was brutally honest. A "take-no-prisoners" attitude. Even when she was yelling, you could see she had complete control over herself. So I knew she was intending to hit him where it hurt.

"You say you left to save me, to save my humanity and whatever other bullshit you felt the need to protect. But that was a lie." She turned to where she was facing all of us, and I resisted the urge to bow my head under her fierce gaze. I know it was completely impossible, but at that moment, I truly believe Bella would've found the strength to tear Edward apart and burned the pieces if she chose too. Damn. She is abso-fucking-lutely the best almost-definitely sister ever.

"He says he left me to protect me. That was a lie. This man left to protect himself. He was afraid of the love I had for him, so instead of dealing with it, he ran like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs. He negated my feelings because I was _only human_. He played out our entire lives in his head, and decided to end it before it started."

I glanced at Edward. His head was bowed in shame. He didn't even try to deny it as she spoke of his fear of her leaving him, never taking her choice into consideration.

I was going to tear his head off, seeing her broken.

Alot of people have the assumption that I don't take anything seriously. Maybe they're right. Alot of things I don't sweat over because things happen everyday. But there are two things you do not, under any circumstances fuck with. My wife, and my family.

_Edward you are so in for it_

His face, if possible, looked even more sad. I knew that my family must be having similar thoughts.

Bella turned her back on him and went inside. In less that a second, I was shoving his face into the asphalt.

"What the hell, Edward?" I snarled. "How could you do this to her, you selfish prick!"

There wasn't an ounce of fight in him. He just laid there, waiting for me to shove him under the ground, which if he'd been resisting I probably would have.

"You can't hate me more than I hate myself Em. Just do it. She doesn't want me, I have nothing to live for."

I recoiled as if he slapped me, and audible gasps could be heard from my family.

"Edward, you are being pathetic!" I rolled my eyes, always the fucking martyr.

"Did you not see the way she was looking at you? Did you not listen to anything she said?" Rosalie said, her voice full of disdaine. "That girl is head over heels for you, though I have no earthly idea why." I love my Rosie.

Esme and Alice nodded their heads in agreement.

"Even if she does still love me," Edward began "What can I do?"

"Like we told you earlier. You can try. I'm not having this conversation with you again Edward, it's going to take more than one apology and more than one conversation to get her to trust you again. You just have to keep trying." Alice, always the motivational speaker.

"Come on," I said, pulling him up to his feet. "Let's go home. You've got work to do."

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><p><strong>AN: Sorry it took longer than I said it would, school was crazy and then I wanted this chapter to meet everyones standards so I was overly paranoid lol. How was that? I didn't want her to be pathetic and forgive him easily. Forgiveness and trust are earned in real life, not given. So review? Please? Thanks, oh and Bellas tattoo will be described in detail in the next chapter and the reasons as to why she got it, I hinted that it had something to do with victoria and it does but details will come at a later day. See ya, my lovelies. **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I'm loving the positive feedback guys. Seriously. Thanks so much for the support. Well, here goes chapter 7 of A&W**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I just like to play with the characters.**

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><p>It's not like before<br>you left nothing here.  
>It's all disappeared.<br>It hurts me to see  
>that we've been a lie.<br>Would it have hurt you to try?

It had been two days since that fiasco behind my job. I'd informed my work and my professors that I would return to school the following Monday. I think I deserved to allow myself to wallow in self-pity for a while.

_It will be as if I never existed. _

Those were the words that have been tormenting my nightmares. Acer had taken to sleeping on my couch, so he could wake me if I began screaming. How could I be so strong, yet so weak? My stupid subconscious was trying to fuck with me.

Obviously he is pretty fucking real. I don't think my imagination is that creative. I didn't know what I was feeling. On one hand I was happy that he broke that promise. But the other part of me was a little more indignant.

_Why could you not keep this one? You broke every other promise you ever made to me, I expected you to keep this one. _

Maybe Edward coming back and breaking his promise to leave me alone forever was a good thing. Maybe not. But I wasn't prepared for it either way. I had built my life around ways to live without him. I learned how to not need him. If he ever was to try to be with me again, how could I keep from falling endlessly and become seventeen year old Bella Swan again. I didn't like that possibility at all. I was independent from everyone in my life. I loved, yes. But I never _need._

Another thing about his promises, I no longer trusted him. At one time, I would've put my life and my heart in his keeping and never questioned it. Look where that got me. I can't trust him to stay, or not to stay either way. I can't trust him to love me. I can't trust him on anything. More importantly, I don't know if I could trust myself with him. Bad-ass-Bella was seriously tested when he showed up. I could feel my persona shaking under his gaze, threatening to expose myself completely to him.

I can't.

_You can't or you won't? _My inner voice reared its head. I think it was a middle aged woman with thirteen cats. Or twenty, who knows?

Both.

_You know you love him, why shouldn't you give him a chance to make it right? _The voice was being passive-aggressive today, I see.

Why should I? Are you saying he deserves it?

_Maybe, maybe not. But you deserve to be happy, and you know he is the ONLY one who can do that for you. _The voice nodded her head in approval.

I sighed, stupid inner-fucking monologue.

You know you're crazy when the voice starts talking back.

I rolled out of bed. I had enough time to get my first cup of coffee when I heard a knock on the door. I got up lazily to open it at- what time is it?- nine in the morning. Standing there like Aphrodite incarnated, was Rosalie. She greeted me with a wry smile, "Hey, Bella. Can I come in?"

I step aside and she sat delicately on the couch, observing me. Her eyes, usually narrowed or glaring at me, were soft and open.

"Rosalie," I said slowly. "I don't mean to be rude. But what in the hell are you doing here?"

She chuckled, a beautiful sound it was. "Well, Alice said that she was getting glimpses of you moping around. She was getting ready to come here and force her over-exuberance on you. But I figured you didn't need shopping and pedicures."

Gratitude swelled in me, I couldn't deal with Nordstrom's today.

She observed me, taking in the circles beneath my eyes, my oily hair and tattered clothing. He gaze was slightly sympathetic and more understanding than I expected.

"You still love him." It was not a question.

I sighed and nodded, defeated.

She wasn't surprised. "Bella I know we don't know each other well and I also know that is mostly my fault. But I can't help but to care. If anyone knows the pain of betrayal, it would be me."

I didn't know why. But maybe the way she was looking at me, made me want to be honest with Rosalie. To talk to her. She was the only person who never intruded on mine and Edwards relationship in high school.

I sat down on the other end of the couch and faced her.

"I want to hate him," I finally confessed. "Part of me does. I wish he would've never left me. I wish he would've had more faith in me, in _us_. He could blame what happened on my eighteenth birthday as the reason he decided to go, but he was obviously thinking about it long before Jasper took a snap at me. Otherwise, he would not have so readily had a contingency plan."

"I love him, Rosalie. I always have, and he belittled that love. He made his own love superior to mine simply because I am human. I can understand that humans fall in and out of love all the time. I watched my parents do it. But that doesn't mean it is that way for everyone. He told me I was his mate. His _mate_. Did he ever think that because of that, I would be his no matter what species I was? We were two halves of a whole, the same as you and Emmett, or Carlisle and Esme. He completely negated us with his own fear and insecurity."

"So you know he loves you?" Rosalie inquired slowly.

"I believed him, yes. But the fact that I know he actually loves me makes me angrier. Because he caused both of us so much pain, as well as the family, and it wasn't necessary. We shouldn't have had to suffer."

"I know it sounds cliché Bella, but I think while it could have been avoided, you can also appreciate this as a gift."

She smirked; apparently my What-The-Fuck expression was amusing to her.

"What I mean is that without suffering, there could be no compassion. You wouldn't be who you are today, if he hadn't left. I see the changes in you. You went from a needy girl, to an independent woman. That is something that nothing and nobody can take away from you. Edward made his choices, and while they hurt you, you also learned to stand on your own two feet. You know you can continue to live your life free of him if you had to."

I think I was gaping like a fish. If someone had told me yesterday that I would be having an in-depth conversation with Rosalie, I probably would've referred them to the nearest mental hospital. And then I would've checked myself in to see about those voices…

"Aren't you supposed to be defending him? He is your brother you know."

Rosalie chuckled lightly "I say what needs to be said Bella. Let Alice defend him to you. I will be the one to tell you aren't wrong in being angry. He broke your heart, and I don't think you should just hand it back to him on a silver platter. I know you think I hate you, but I don't. I genuinely want to see you apart of my family, with Edward. But I also think that trust is earned, not given. You have earned mine."

We smiled at each other. I think I trust her too. But I was curious.

"Why did you hate me so much?"

"Oh that's easy, I was jealous of you." She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly.

My jaw dropped.

"Are you serious?"

"I hated the fact that you were so willing to throw your life away. Not that my brother isn't a good man. But I hated that you have opportunities that Alice, Esme and I will never have. You can grow old, bear children and have a family. I always wanted a family, and I'll always regret that I can't have one. But now I see that you aren't so willing to jump into this life head first without thinking it through."

She then told me her story of a beautiful girl who was just within reach of everything before it was all torn away from her in a dark alley by a man who was supposed to protect her. I felt pain for Rosalie surge through me and I hesitantly placed my hand over hers as she finished her tale. She smiled slightly and returned my grasp.

Rosalie was jealous of my humanity. That information hit me with the equivalent of a train.

"I'm sorry." I told her. "I never thought of that when I was younger. I still don't think I want kids or anything, but I'm glad I understand you better. I'm glad to know you."

"Same here Bella. So I think now it is time to get you out of your mopey stage and into the Make-Edward-Fall-To-His-Knees-And-Beg-For-Mercy Stage."

She grinned mischievously and I felt myself swell in anticipation. Edward on his knees? My vindictive side did a little happy dance. That bastard was going to regret leaving me. I'll show him the true meaning of Bitch.

I smiled back at her, "How are we going to do it?"

He grin widened, "Well I know I said I came over here to head her off, but I think now that we are extracting revenge we're going to need to call-"

A knock at the door cut off Rosalie and I walked quickly to answer the door. Standing there was Alice, with her own mischievous smile in place.

"I might not be able to see you, Bella," she said letting herself in. "But I can see Rosalie. Now what's this about a Make-Edward-Fall-To-His-Knees-And-Beg-For-Mercy Plan? You know, that's a mouthful, can we call it Bella-Swan-Revenge Plan? BSR for short."

"Huh, I like it." Rosalie clapped her hands together.

I shrugged, "Whatev. I'm in. What do we do first?"

"First," Alice began "You need to take a shower. Second, we need to get you some skimpy clothing. The more skin a woman shows, the more a man will think about sex. We know that Edward has almost a century of sexual-repression, so the worst thing you can possibly do is tease him endlessly. Make him look. It will kill him to know that he can't touch you. I guarantee, he will beg eventually."

I smiled.

"You know Alice; I think I might love you. Are you two going to be able to keep this from him?"

Rosalie and Alice both looked at each other and grinned before turning to me and simultaneously saying "Absolutely."

My day was getting better by the second.

* * *

><p>"Alice!" I exclaimed.<p>

"Yes Bella?" Too innocent, that one.

"There is no way I'm going out in public like this!"

"It looks good on you though," Rosalie commented from where she was perched in a chair.

We had been shopping for the better of two hours and I'd been forced to try on copious amounts of clothing. The last dress I tried on was leather for Christ sakes! I was entitled to feel exasperated.

We were in a quaint boutique called Sarais, a place that sold high-end clothing for decent prices. The store had everything from formal wear to denim designer jeans and everything in between.

The dress in question was short. Very short. It was a black, backless dress that came mid-thigh. The front of the dress was long-sleeved with a plunging neck-line. There was no way I could pull this off.

"I don't know about this," I began cautiously.

Alice huffed. "Bella you traipse around on a bar in a bikini top and barely-there shorts, how are you so uncomfortable in this?"

"Well," I said sardonically, "Maybe it has everything to do with the fact that they pay me to look like that. Out of work I dress a little more conservative."

I interpreted the look Alice gave me to mean that was going to change and I was not to argue about it.

I sighed.

_If I shoot myself now, will they just let me die?_

_Probably not, _the voice answered.

_Fuck me._

"Bella the dress looks great on you," Rose repeated, "Edward will drool, I guarantee it."

After another twenty minutes of haggling with Alice and Rosalie, we left Sarais, each of us carrying at least three shopping bags. Hopping into Alices' yellow Porsche (a Christmas gift, she said), we went to my apartment.

Apparently we were all going out tonight, despite the fact that it was a Wednesday. But since when did that ever stop Alice from getting what she wants? Never, exactly. She said that there was a club downtown that was really popular tonight because ladies didn't have a cover charge until eleven.

Around eight-thirty, we started getting ready. Rather, Alice started getting me ready. I quickly got a beer from the fridge before she could start analyzing every detail of my hair and make-up. Rosalie exited the spare bedroom in a deep red corset top and dark blue skinny jeans. Her black suede boots came up to her thigh. She was perfect, as always.

"Okay, well at least I have extra money," I grudgingly admitted after a while. "There's no way I'm going to survive this night without getting completely fucking plastered."

"That's the spirit Bella!" Alice cheered. Apparently she missed the "grudgingly" part. Rosalie rolled her eyes and smiled at me in understanding. The fact that we were friends now or whatever was still taking some getting used to. But it was pleasant, none the less.

"So I called Emmett," She began, "The boys will meet us at the club, at ten thirty. Edward knows you'll be there Bella, so you'll probably have to say hello to him. But no matter how much he dazzles you" she snorted at the word "you have to make him suffer, never forget the reason we're doing this."

_Oh I wouldn't forget_, I thought some-what bitterly. _He ain't seen crazy yet. I'm gonna make that motherfucker beg me for mercy._

_Straight Gangsta B!_

_Shut up._

I seriously think I'm certifiable.

At a quarter to ten, I was examining myself in the mirror. Damn, Alice is good. The dress was complemented with studded leather ankle boots that had chains on the sides. I had on a pair of feather earrings with crosses hanging from them (which apparently is the new style, according to Alice) and my make-up was smoky and seductive, with a slightly glossy look on my cheekbones. My hair was long and luxurious, and fell to my waist in that I've-just-been-thoroughly-satisfied-look. So this is what two hours will do to my appearance, I smiled.

Rose and I were standing in the foyer when Alice appeared. She was wearing a lavender baby doll dress with white pumps. Her hair was in its usual spiky up-do and she looked perfect.

Operation BSR, commence.

On the way to the club, Rose gave me an odd look.

"What?" I asked.

"Well," She said timidly, "I was wondering about your tattoo."

"Oh."

"I got the phoenix tattoo on my back when I was nineteen. I was still in pretty bad shape and I needed something to symbolize the strength in me that I couldn't find. The tattoo is like a mile-marker to me. I experienced one of the darkest forms of pain, yet I was still able to come out of it… to rise from the ashes. That's what it means to me." I told her.

"That's really nice." Alice piped up, albeit sadly. I think she partially blamed herself.

"Yeah," Rosalie agreed, "I think it's beautiful."

The phoenix was a constant reminder of my past, present and future. I wanted that symbolism with me wherever I went, so I wouldn't lose myself again.

Pulling up to the club, the valet tripped over himself upon seeing us. This made my confidence lift a little, and I added a little more swagger to my step.

"Sorry miss," He apologized, his face flush with his embarrassment. I felt bad for the guy, and waved it off.

The three of us walked in and the excitement was contagious. Alice immediately dragged us to the dance floor and began shaking her hips, Rose and I copying her movements.

Men constantly approached us with free drinks, and we danced happily accepted (Rose and Alice passing theirs to me or inconspicuously making liquid disappear) and danced with them. Harmless flirting ensued and I was positive any of them would be willing to take things further, but I wasn't going for it. I just wanted to lose myself in the beat of the music. I wanted to let go.

I was so alive. It was probably the alcohol; I had –like what- 7 shots or something? Yep, I was buzzing real well.

I was in my own little world when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned and there he was. Mr. Know-It-All himself.

I had to keep myself from completely eye-fucking him in my inebriated state. I had a plan.

_But hot-damn he looks fucking sexy._

He was dressed in dark washed jeans and boots. He was wearing a simple form-fitting black sweater that left nothing to the imagination, with the sleeves pushed up. His eyes were as equally black.

"Bella are you drunk?" His voice had a slightly husky tone I wasn't familiar with to it.

"Maybe," I teased. "Dance with me." I pulled his arms around my waist and began dancing, a provocative sway to my hips.

_I'm on a mission, _

_And it involves some heavy touchin' you. _

_You've indicated your interest_

_I'm educated in sex, yes. _

_And now I want it bad, want it bad. _

I felt his fingers flex and his grip on my waist tightened, but I didn't relent. I was teasing him, and I knew it. But it was all part of the plan right? Who gives a fuck if I could feel his erection grinding into my ass, which was making it me want to get on top of him and…

I'm going to kill Rosalie and Alice for this. I was horny as fuck, and in public, and with Edward, who had starred in my sex dreams since I first met him. With his sexy fuck-me hair and those eyes, which I could feel boring into me as I swayed.

It was getting harder and harder to remember my revenge plan.

Suddenly, I was being dragged outside and round the corner into the ally. He pushed me up against the wall of the club, both of my hands raised above my head in one of his.

"You play a dangerous game, Bella."

I played my drunkenness up.

"I don't know what you're talking about Edward, I was just having fun. Woohoo!" I gave a small hurrah.

"You have always overestimated my self-control."

"What do I know of your self-control? I haven't seen you in years. For all I know it could be iron-tight by now. And if you didn't want a raging hard-on you probably should've backed the fuck up. You've seen how I dance, so it's to be expected." I don't know if I was making any sense, but he seemed to grow slightly angry.

His eyes narrowed and he was so close to me his chest was brushing up against mine.

I felt his lips at my ear, "If you want to play, Bella. I'm game. But don't forget that I can do this." His lips traveled in slow, languid kisses up my neck and my heated skin shivered at the contact of his cool breath.

Traitorous body.

I was sort-of irritated. I hope he didn't think this was going to work. So what if my legs were rubbing together and my heart was pumping at breakneck speed. I wasn't going to let him turn the tables on me. He was still going to work for it.

I lost the ability to form a coherent sentence as he sucked my earlobe into his mouth. Oh my, fuck me running. That was _so _unfair.

He then stepped back. Turning to go back into the club he said "Have a good night Bella."

What? Have a goodnight Bella? That's some bull shit.

Fucking Edward and his ability to turn me into goo. I thought my resistance to that had strengthened, but I guess not. I would definitely have to be careful from now on.

And what was with him anyways? When we were together, he was never that brazen or possessive. He was always the perfect gentleman. I thought about the way his fingers had an iron-grip on my waist and I decided it didn't matter. Either way, this stupid beautiful vampire had once again made my insides all messed up as I stood in an alley contemplating what the fuck I was doing.

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><p><strong>Well there you have it. Bella is a little confused. But I think she will persevere. What did you guys think of Rosalie? I know she is a little ooc but I really like the idea of her and Bella having a better relationship. I will post again soon hopefully. <strong>

**I'm also pretty sure my pervy brain is chomping at the bit for some action, hence Edward being all sexy with Bella at the club lol. I think he will be a little less rigid in this story so be prepared for future angst, lemons and fuck-hawt neck action :)**

**Until next time my dears. **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hello Again! Ugh, My allergies have been killing me and now, on top of school I work six days a week so my future updating will be sporadic, but then again they always have been. Well here is Ch 8 of A&W. I hope you like it. Thanks so much for the reviews, I really enjoy reading all the positive feed back. **

**Disclaimer: I own NOTHING TWILIGHT**

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><p><em><strong><strong>__I did my best, it wasn't much_  
><em>I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch<em>  
><em>I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you<em>  
><em>And even though it all went wrong<em>  
><em>I'll stand before the Lord of Song<em>  
><em>With nothing on my tongue but...<em>

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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

I ran my hands through my hair as I re-entered the club. Spotting my siblings across the dance floor, I pushed my way towards them.

"I need to talk to you," I said to Jasper and Emmett. They both got up and we got a table close to the bar, away from Alice, Rosalie, and Bella, who had just approached them with a look of fierce determination on her face. Damn that woman was sexy.

"Okay Edward," Emmett said putting his hands behind his head. "What's up?"

"I did everything you told me to do, and she still wasn't going for it."

"So you had air sex on the floor?" Emmett asked.

"Yes." He saw that.

"Caressed her?"

"Uh, yeah, I think so."

"Tease her back?"

"Well, I don't know, she was the one teasing me. I almost lost it so I kind of vamped out on her."

"How did she react to that?" Jasper asked.

"Her face was shocked, and her heart was racing. Do you guys know that Bella has turned into a complete smart ass? I swear that mouth of hers…"

Emmett laughed. "Dude, it probably worked. Her heart was probably pounding in excitement, or anticipation or something. The shock is understandable, weren't you so adamant about her never seeing our vampiristic nature? She was probably wondering what was going on with you."

I laughed slightly, "Huh, never thought of it that way."

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><p><strong>RPOV<strong>

Alice and I had watched as Edward dragged Bella away from the dance floor with delight. It looked as though the plan was working so far. We continued dancing with Jasper and Emmett, silently chuckling to ourselves. Until Emmett outright laughed.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing" Jasper chuckled "It's just that Edward has a plan to seduce Bella, but I think she is turning the tables on him." He and Emmett were both full on laughing at this point.

Alice and I were staring at each other. So Edward has a plan to seduce Bella, and Bella has a plan to make Edward suffer? We both doubled over, laughing at the hilarity of the situation.

"Why are you two laughing?"

Alice was able to catch her breath, then launched into the story of the BSR plan. Emmett and Jasper, after realizing the full irony of this, were grinning maniacally.

"Shouldn't we tell them?" Alice asked.

I was wondering the same thing.

"Hell no where's the fun in that?" Emmett of course "Let them figure their shit out on their own. We can just sit back and watch."

I love him so much. We began dancing again when Edward, looking highly frazzled, approached the four of us. Serves him right, asshole. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother, but he was a complete idiot.

_What do you mean_ was?

"Can I talk to you?"

Him, Jasper and Emmett went off, and Alice and I couldn't control our snickers. This was going to be absolutely amazing.

* * *

><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

I was standing in the alley, still staring off into space when I realized what a complete fucktard I was being. Who the hell does he think he is? I am Bella Fucking Swan, I bow for no one! I run this shit! I do not him!

Okay, so maybe I'm not that conceited but I need to give myself a pep talk. Alice, Rose and I did not discuss contingency plans if a problem should arise so I guess I was on my own with this one.

I walked back into the club and quickly located Alice and Rosalie. They were dancing to themselves with every male in a ten foot radius watching them, even as they were dancing with other girls.

"Well, Edward is looking highly disheveled," Rose snickered. I couldn't bother with sarcastic remarks. I was on a mission.

"Work with me," I said in a serious voice and began dragging my hands up my stomach and into my hair. The sisters immediately caught on and were mimicking my movements. I could feel him eyes on me. We all looked at each other with sly smiles, yep our movements were having the desired effect.

A tall, muscled man cut into my view effectively blocking me from my vampires.

"I'm seeking revenge," I said sweetly, "Help?"

"Of course," Acer grinned mischievously and we began to dance intimately, giggling here and there because to everyone else, we knew what it looked like.

I turned to face him; placing one hand behind his necked while the other ran down his well sculpted chest and abs. I looked into his eyes, silently thanking him and I knew he got what I meant.

I caught Jaspers gaze from across the room and he looked at me knowingly. I could tell he was sensing the emotions coming from us, and the lack of lust. He gave me a small nod, letting me know somehow that I could trust his silence. I smiled widely at him.

Edward was standing next to Jasper looking murderous, so much so that people seemed to unconsciously give him a wide berth. His mouth was pulled back in a small snarl, his eyes black and his hands rigid claws at his sides. Hmm, good.

Upping the stakes, I turned to look at Alice and Rose.

"We're getting out of here," I said to them.

They nodded, unsmiling, but I noticed their eyes dancing in amusement. We were all eventually going to spontaneously combust with the laughter we were holding in.

"Okay, Bella. It was fun," Alice said, making sure to use the right amount of shock in her voice.

I nodded at her and Rose while simultaneously taking Acers hand and leading him towards the door. I didn't spare Edward another glance though I knew he was watching. His eyes were practically shooting lasers into the back of my head. I smirked.

Take that, you bastard.

_We showed him didn't we? _The voice asked.

We?

_Yes, we. _

No not "we." Me. You just reside here. I was now chiding my inner voice. Fuck me.

_Whatever, keep telling yourself that. _

I stopped talking to myself and looked at Acer, our hands still intertwined. His face was alive with his amusement, but he kept silent until we rounded the corner.

"Was that bronze-haired guy that looked ready to kill me, THE Edward?"

I nodded and he busted up laughing.

"That was great. Let's do it again!" You got to love Acers enthusiasm over raging hell through peoples' lives.

We caught a cab and laughed all the way back to our apartment building. I came clean and told him everything about the Bella-Swan-Revenge plan and he took it all in stride, laughing good naturedly.

"Tiny, do you want him back?" He said, all joking aside.

I shrugged my shoulders.

"I'll always want him, Ace. Always. But you have to work for what you want, and if he wants me back, he's going to have to work for it. Cause' I'm not easy in forgiving or trust. He has none of those. So the answer to your question is the obvious 'yes,' but as to where, when, or if it happens? Who knows?"

He nodded in understanding then stood up to go to the kitchen. He returned with two spoons and a tub of Ben & Jerrys. God I love this guy.

"You know we're going to probably get sick and have to work extra hard to keep this weight off," He said.

"Oh stop being such a girl," I teased him. "You have like zero percent body fat, you'll get over it."

We both laughed and dug in, reminiscing about tonights events. Acer even threw in a few ideas for the BSR plan. I had to admit, the man was insightful.

It had been a rollercoaster of emotions, from confusion to anger to lust to happiness. But it had been a good night.

Turning into bed, I glanced around my apartment my eyes lingering on the keyboard in the corner. My fingers twitched, but I ignored it. There was no reason to play tonight, as I didn't need to pay tribute to my lost lover. He was back in my life, no matter what I felt about it.

* * *

><p>The rest of the week lulled on, and though I wasn't attending my classes, I kept up with my school work, sending all my work in via email. Friday rolled around, bringing Emmett to my door, swooping me into a familiar bear hug as I began getting ready for work.<p>

"So Bells, what's up?" He said, perching on the bed, looking at me as I curled my hair in the bathroom.

"Hell I don't know. The clouds, sky?" I replied sarcastically.

"Har, Har. No really how are you doing?"

I studied him, seeing the honest concern in his eyes that made my heart hurt. Rarely was Emmett concerned about anything.

"I'm okay, or I will be. I'm just trying to handle one thing at a time."

"Bella I'm sorry."

I paused, looking at him in the bathroom mirror. His face was dejected. Emmett always smiled. I couldn't bear to see him so down.

I jumped into his lap and threw my arms around his neck.

"Don't be. Don't feel guilty, Em."

He just shook his head, and his cold arms tightened ever so slightly around me.

"Hey," I said turning his head to face me (knowing he let me do it because otherwise it was a pointless task) "Mine and Edwards fuck up are our own burdens to bear. Not yours or your siblings or Esme and Carlisle. We made our choices. If you should be upset, be upset at us, not yourself."

He let out a big whoosh of breath, "I am upset at you guys. I wish that you would've had better self-esteem. I wish he would've been braver. I wish that I had said something, because I knew it wasn't right Bella. I knew something was off, but I thought I was just imagining it. I knew you better than to think you would be scared of us. You practically had no sense of self-preservation!" He smiled a little towards the end.

I let the jibe slide.

"It's okay. I know that it would be a normal reaction to freak out. I understand why you didn't question Edward. I don't hate you for it Emmett. I can't change what happened, and I don't know if I would if I could."

"You wouldn't?" He asked perplexed.

"No," I said, "If I hadn't been through so many weak moments in my life I would not know my strength. I know that regardless of my situation, I WILL be okay, maybe not emotionally, but I will still live, because if all else fails, I owe myself that much."

He simply nodded in agreement, and I continued getting ready for work.

* * *

><p>AN: So yeah, I apologize. I know this chapter kind of sucks, it's another filler I guess. Updating Asap.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hey there readers! I'm so sorry it has been such a long time. Life happens. I've been going crazy with work and school and feel as though I have no free time. **

**So, I have an awesome beta Fantasy0506 and you should totally check out her story Carpe Diem! She is wonderful :)**

**Well with that said, here goes nothing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight *pouts***

* * *

><p>"I really miss your hair in my face<br>And the way your innocence tastes  
>And I think you should know this<br>You deserve much better than me"

-Hinder

* * *

><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

I was going to fucking rip his arms out of their sockets. I was going to tear him limb from limb, then possibly drain him dry. Who the hell did this big fucker think he was putting his slimy hands on my Bella that way?

Mine.

_Edward man, chill. _

Jasper laid a firm hand on my shoulder, reassuring, and reminding me of my surroundings. Club. People. Bella. Exposure. Bella.

"Fuck that," I snarled, a low, deep rumbling sound in the middle of my chest.

Mine.

_Bro, calm down or we WILL have to take you out of here, _Emmett thought was adamant and not up for discussion .

My brothers were watching Rosalie and Alice dance around Bella and that fuckeras if nothing was wrong. Their thoughts were calm and suspiciously blank. I decided however, not to dwell on this fact, because…. Bella needed me. Pain sliced through my chest with my next thought:, no, Bella didn't need me. I needed to hurt something; preferably the tool that had his arms snaked around my Bella's waist.

"He has his hands all over her," I seethed through gritted teeth, venom pooling in my mouth. If there was any hope of maintaining my sanity, I needed to calm down. Immediately.

Then, he reached down and whispered something into her ear, to which she looked back at him with a mischievous gaze and nodded.

Mine.

"We're getting out of here," she spoke clearly this time, to my sisters. They nodded at her and continued dancing. And Bella, arm laced through the mystery prick's, made her way toward the exit without so much as a backward glance.

_WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE! Kill that son of a bitch!_

The monster reared its ugly head.

Mine.

Emmett and Jasper were both physically restraining me now, dragging me out back. I could hear Rosalie on the phone, her voice too fast for human ears. I felt as though my mind was going to snap in half with the stress of tonight's events. Even though I knew Bella wasn't mine, I still felt possessive over her. I had no right to be. Somehow, the five of us made it to the car and made it home, with Rosalie driving like a maniac to get there. I realized in some rational part of my brain that Alice was trying to soothe me with kind words and Jasper was trying to overwhelm me with calm, but I was oblivious to it through the red haze. If I didn't do something, anything, soon, I was going to come unglued.

Carlisle and Esme were standing in the drive way, compassion evident in their expressions. "Edward, Son, what happened?" Carlisle asked, worry etched into his face. I didn't answer; I was already out of the car and running.

_What a fucking idiot._

_Calm down, your emotions are going to kill me. _

_I'll see you at dawn. _

_Son, come see me when you get back._

_Eddie, you wanna race?_

_Edward, dear, please come home soon._

I had to get away, from them and their thoughts. From everyone. From her. The agony ripped through me and I staggered slightly as I ran through the trees. I ran for hours, grabbing two deer and a bob cat. I tore trees out of the ground and pounded rocks into rubble, imagining that it was every man that had ever thought of my Bella in a wicked way. Nothing satisfied me.

I found myself in a little clearing that overlooked a creek so clear you could see the different colored rocks at the bottom. I sat down and ran my hands through my hair.

How did I get here? How did my life end up being so awful? If anyone deserved it, it would be me. But I still had hoped, just a bit, that I could be happy.

And I was, with Bella.

I was starting to realize the magnitude of my mistake. I should never have left her. I should have stayed, married her, made love to her…. Changed her.

I should've given us both what we wanted. Forever.

Now, it seems to be hopeless.

I wondered what she was doing now. I wondered if she invited him up to her apartment for drinks. There was no doubt he'd accept. Of course he would: he was a man. And Bella was too damn beautiful to resist. Would she laugh at his lame jokes and ignore the subtle touches? Brushing against her arm, touching her knee. Would he see how when she laughed, her face flushed and her eyes lit up? Would he notice the light freckles that splayed across her nose?

Would they end up in her bed after too many drinks? Would she sigh _his _name?

Above anything else in the world this pained me, and yet ironically, it was exactly what I had wanted for her: to be human. At least, that's what I had thought I wanted. Now, I was absolutely sure I wanted the complete opposite.

"It was supposed to be me," I said out loud.

My statement was met with silence.

My rage completely deflated, leaving me with an overwhelming sadness. It was the biggest mistake of my existence to leave her. What was the point of our love? I realize now that I underestimated Bella. Though she had claimed to love me I thought I knew better. I knew she would grow up and eventually see me for the monster I truly am.

How wrong I was.

To assume that she would just welcome me back with open arms would be asinine. It pained me to admit it, but I had broken her trust. I crushed her spirit and for that I would never forgive myself.

With that thought I felt my resolve strengthen. I would earn her trust back. I won't leave until she has no doubt of my devotion to her, no matter what role I was to play in her life.

I had to get her back. I had too. Even if it was just as her friend, I would take what I could get. Bella would learn to trust me again.

I would prove everything to her.

* * *

><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

_I've been a bad, bad girl__  
><em>_I've been careless with a delicate man__  
><em>_And it's a sad, sad world__  
><em>_When a girl will break a boy just because she can_

"Go Bella!" bartenders and the crowd of customers alike cheered. I looked at Emmett, standing a foot taller than in the crowd, cheering along with them. He was such a goof. He met my gaze and a smile lit up his face as he wagged his eyebrows. Like I said; goof.

He had decided to accompany me to work, saying that though he knew I didn't want to see Edward, he wanted to make sure I was safe. I tried to brush him off, telling him about Acer (the truth) and that I was okay. Then again, after all the supernatural bull shit I'd been through, having an unbreakable body guard seemed like a good idea. Especially one that looked as menacing as Emmett did when he wasn't smiling and laughing. 

_Don't you tell me to deny it__  
><em>_I've done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins__  
><em>_I've come to you 'cause I need guidance to be true__  
><em>_And I just don't know where I can begin_

_What I need is a good defense__  
><em>_'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal__  
><em>_And I need to be redeemed__  
><em>_To the one I've sinned against__  
><em>_Because he's all I ever knew of love_

I spun around the banister on the side of the bar and crouched down to run my hands through some random frat boy's hair. He and his buddies let out "Woohooo!" and threw wads of dollar bills into the tip jar, which had already had to be emptied out once by Viv. Huh, I might be able to pay rent with tonight's money alone. That made me smile.

_Heaven help me for the way I am__  
><em>_Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done__  
><em>_I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand__  
><em>_But I keep living this day like the next will never come_

That's right. Forget about him. Forgive myself. Let go of the past because tomorrow is never guaranteed. If Only it was that easy, I thought as I spun and rolled and sashayed back and forth.

_Oh help me but don't tell me to deny it__  
><em>_I've got to cleanse myself of all these lies 'till I'm good enough for him_

I used to wish I was good enough for him. Now? Now I know I am, because I'm good enough for me. He's the one that needs redemption, not me. I don't have to change.

_I've got a lot to lose and I'm bettin' high so I'm begging you__  
><em>_Before it ends just tell me where to begin_

_What I need is a good defense__  
><em>_'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal__  
><em>_And I need to be redeemed__  
><em>_To the one I've sinned against__  
><em>_Because he's all I ever knew of love_

_Let me know the way__  
><em>_Before there's hell to pay__  
><em>_Give me room to lay the law and let me go__  
><em>_I've got to make a play__  
><em>_To make my lover stay__  
><em>_So what would an angel say, the devil wants to know_

It feels so good to lose yourself like this.

_What I need is a good defense__  
><em>_Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal__  
><em>_And I need to be redeemed__  
><em>_To the one I've sinned against__  
><em>_Because he's all I ever knew of love_

By the time my set was finished, my tips were pouring out onto the counter behind the bar, and it was boiling hot in Bikinis.

I took a wash cloth from Avalon's outstretched hand and wiped my forehead.

"Fuck, I'm sweating like a nun in a whorehouse."

Shit! I really need to work on my social skills.

Avalon laughed, "Bella, where the fuck do you come up with that shit?"

"My amazing sense of humor comes from life. You'd think you'd have one, considering you're named after a sedan. What do you parents do for a living anyways?"_  
><em>

She flipped me the one finger salute and smacked me lightly before tending to the bar. I had fifteen minutes before I had to be back inside, so I went to the back for a smoke break. I seriously hoped that no one was waiting for me out here. But then I remembered Emmett inside, so my nervousness ebbed. His presence was a comfort.

Viv sat perched on the railing, cigarette in hand.

"What's up, Tiny?" Her big brown eyes observed me lightly.

"Ahh, you know, same ol' same ol'," I chuckled.

We talked for a while about the bar and some new liquor we were getting the following month before she cocked her head to the side, her perfectly arched eyebrows drawing forward.

"You're different."

It wasn't a question, so I didn't answer.

"You're hurting," she said slowly, "You always have, but this is different. It's fresh in your face."

"Yes," I said simply.

She didn't say anything else, which I appreciated. One of the most admirable things about Viv was that she didn't pry into people's business. She just observed and kept quiet about it, but you knew if you needed her, she was there.

The night went along smoothly, and four hundred dollars later, Emmett waved off Acer and I from the parking lot of our apartment complex.

"I'll see you later, little Sis," He said pulling off, "Text me!"

I had to laugh; it was so funny hearing things like that coming out of a person who should, technically anyway, be almost eighty years old.

Acer and I agreed to do our Saturday workout a little later considering it was already three in the morning and both of us were going to be dead weight as soon as we went to bed. I was looking forward to lazing around till noon.

Changing into my tattered sweats and wife beater, I sat with my keyboard by my window, overlooking the New York street below. I placed my hands on the keys and let A Fine Frenzys' words and music flow through me.

_Your fingertips across my skin__  
><em>_The palm trees swaying in the wind__  
><em>_Images__  
><em>_You sang me Spanish lullabies__  
><em>_The sweetest sadness in your eyes__  
><em>_Clever trick_

_I never want to see you unhappy__  
><em>_I thought you'd want the same for me_

_Goodbye, my almost lover__  
><em>_Goodbye, my hopeless dream__  
><em>_I'm trying not to think about you__  
><em>_Can't you just let me be?__  
><em>_So long, my luckless romance__  
><em>_My back is turned on you__  
><em>_I should've known you'd bring me heartache__  
><em>_Almost lovers always do_

For the first time in three years, I fell asleep curious about what the future would bring me.

* * *

><p><strong>AcerPOV<strong>

I heard the soft music coming from Bella's apartment and my heart ached for her. When I first met her, she was fierce and bold. Confident: too much so. I could see the cracks in her facade.

We hit it off right away. I think she needed someone to look out for her, and I needed someone as compassionate as Bella.

Growing up the way I did, it wasn't often you found a genuine person to confide in. My father and mother were both junkies. They were both people you couldn't trust as far as you could throw them, because above all else, they wanted their fix. I stood in the way of that too many times.

Bella was the first person I could just be myself around, and not have to watch my wallet or wonder if she was going to rob me blind for a rock. I loved her honesty. I hated that she had been through so much in her short life.

Maybe the reason we got along so well was because we'd both been through hell and back again, and were still trying to live.

I saw him, her ex, but I didn't feel anger towards him as I thought I would. I felt a little bit of pity, because behind the fury I could see boiling in him, I also saw agony. That told me one thing: he wasn't over her.

But that also left me curious on so many levels. How could he leave her like that? No phone call, no email; nothing. It doesn't make sense.

I would love nothing better than for Bella to be happy. Someone as good as her deserves it. If this _Edward_ is what does it for her, then so be it.

But if he hurts her again, I'll kick his scrawny ass.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I'm so sorry it's been such a long time everyone! It has been extremely hectic. I worked my ass off because I planned to move back to texas for an awesome job opportunity. Unfortunately, my boyfriend and I now live in different states so I've been very sad :( but hopefully he will be moving down here shortly. A week before I moved my transmission went out in my car. So basically it's been a series of unfortunate events. So, here is chapter 10. Let me know what ya think!**

* * *

><p><em>I know I misbehaved<br>and you've made your mistakes.  
>And we both still got room left to grow.<br>And though love sometimes hurts,  
>I still put you first.<br>And we'll make this thing work.  
>But I think we should take it slow.<br>-Ordinary People by John Legend_

* * *

><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

Today was turning out to be fucking tragic.

I woke up late, missing my morning classes. I tripped walking down the stairs of my apartment building, twisting my ankle. That's what I get for wearing stilettos huh? I spilled my coffee on my pants, effectively burning the shit out of my crotch, and now, I'm sitting here listening to Alice Cullen ramble about her fucktard of a brother.

My patience was wearing thin.

"Come on, Bella," Alice pleaded.

"No."

"You may be surprised to find out what he has to say!"

"What are you, his promoter? Alice if _Edward _wants to speak to me, then _Edward _can grow some balls and do it himself, rather than having you play telephone."

She unleashed the full force of her gaze on me. Pouty lips, big golden eyes, a face that made Botticelli angels weep for its beauty.

I rolled my eyes.

"Alice that shit doesn't work for me anymore."

Her gaze narrowed, "Okay Bella, I'm done. You two are being utterly ridiculous! Why is it so hard for the two of you to just have a civilized conversation with each other? You're bitter, and he is wallowing in guilt. Dammit! It is so obvious that you two are still in lo-"

"Holy shit" I interrupted, "You just swore! I have to inform the pixie police!"

The pixie in question glared at me.

"Okay, okay," I said in mock defeat, "I understand you can't appreciate that I just made a funny. Please continue."

Alice sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, a mannerism learned from her brother, I assume.

"Bella, he has not approached you because he thinks you don't want him too. He feels that if you wanted him in your life, you would have said something by now. It's almost been a month."

True. The Cullens had been back in my life for a month. Every one of them except Edward, that is. I found that I still enjoyed their company. I had Physics with Emmett, who by the way is extremely intelligent in all things Mathematical, and we were always picking on each other.

Jasper and I had our Western Civilization class together of course. He was always cordial and polite, though I felt as though he was keeping his distance. Rosalie, Alice and I spent time together almost every day except for the occasional sunny day, when all the Cullens disappeared to go sparkle away from society.

Carlisle and Esme were wonderful, as always. Esme, trying to be slick, started bringing over random pieces of artwork and nice plate sets every so often. I finally caught on that she was trying to redecorate my apartment without me realizing this. When I confronted her, she turned that heart-breaking-I-am-so-happy-when-you-let-me-do-things-for-you look on me and I caved, while Carlisle laughed, his expression a knowing one.

So, the only person I've yet to mend bridges with is Edward. I wouldn't even know where to start. What do you say to your ex-soul mate that you love irrevocably even though he tore your heart to shreds?

Yeah, no idea.

It wasn't that I wasn't willing to talk to him, nor was it that I didn't want to see him. I was just delaying the inevitable. I knew our time was coming, I just didn't think I was ready for it.

I noticed Alice looking at me expectantly, and I realized I never responded to her.

"Yes Alice, I know how long it's been. He left for three years; one month should be a breeze to him. If I am going to mend any type of relationship with Edward, it's going to be on my terms and nobody else's. I love you, you know I do. But I just need you to kind of back off on this one."

I lit a cigarette and inhaled, waiting for her to either blow a gasket or to be offended. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly if you knew Alice, she did neither. She simply nodded to herself and pulled me into an embrace, being careful not to crush me with her vampire strength.

"I'm sorry Bella," She said, "I didn't mean to make you feel as though I was pressuring you. I just hate to see two people I love be so miserable."

"I know," I responded softly, "Me too."

We chatted for a few more minutes, before she had to run off to her Interior Decorating class. I still had another hour to myself before my Written Word class, which were meeting in the courtyard today for a poetry slam.

So I sat smoking my cigarette and playing _Words with Friends_. Emmett keeps telling me that the words I come up with do not exist. I snorted to myself, fuckawesome is a word. I started typing:

**Definition: Fuckawesome – ****A combination of the words "fuck" and "awesome." This is a shorter but just as effective way of saying "fucking awesome." This word can be used to express an extreme love or joy of something. It's shorter to type, allowing speedier passage of communication online….. Take that sucker! – Hells Bells**

His reply came within a minute

**Where'd you get that from?- Em**

**Urban Dictionary, you should check it out- Hells Bells**

**Okay Lil Sis, gimmie a bit to look at it, then you're going down!- Em**

I snorted. Who was he, Hulk Hogan or something?

**oOo I'm shivering- Hells Bells**

**You should be ;p later tiny.-Em**

I smiled to myself; Emmett was the big brother I never had. Honestly, he was great.

I sat there in the courtyard lounging about when someone sat down next to me. I didn't look.

"How did you know I was here?" I asked. It just wasn't my day.

"I didn't, I just got out of Lab," he replied.

I didn't respond.

"I can leave if you don't want me here Bella."

I turned to face him, for the first time since he came back, to really look at him. He was exactly the same, of course. His crazy hair and golden eyes that set me aflame, his otherworldly features made me wonder how I ever thought he was human. Greek Gods coming down from the heavens would be less conspicuous.

"I never said that."

His furrowed brow relaxed, and he gave me a dazzling smile. I felt my heart stutter at the sight; he was truly breathtaking.

_When did you get all lovey-dovey? I thought you were extracting revenge on him? _My inner dialogue was on the offense today.

_No, _I defended myself, _just because I think he's pretty doesn't mean I'm going to roll over for him. Shut the fuck up._

Stupid harpy.

I focused back to Edward. He was sitting there, looking at me with the most peculiar expression on his face, I felt like I was being dissected.

"What?" I was sort of irritated.

He hesitated, "I was wondering what you were thinking. Your mind is still as silent to me as ever. I wondered if it would change over time."

I flinched. He was implying that he thought of me when he left me. I don't know why, because I thought of him too, but it just hurt too much. If he thought of me, why didn't he come home?

He noticed my pause and hastily added, "I'm sorry Bella I didn't mean-"

"No it's fine," I interrupted, "I'm not upset."

My indifference was palpable; I knew he could feel it. What was I supposed to do? Open up to him and tell him how miserable I am without him? I don't fucking think so.

I glanced at him, and his face was so agonized, like he wanted to claw his skin off.

"I'm so sorry, Bella."

I sighed, here we go.

"Look Edward," I said his name carefully; it still hurt sometimes," I know you're sorry. I can see that. I'm sorry too. But something like this just doesn't go away. I'm afraid to remember the way we were. But I'm terrified to forget it. Either way, I can't ignore the time we spent apart. You've changed, I've changed. It doesn't matter how sorry we are, the truth of the matter is I've been altered so completely that I don't think sorry is enough to cover it."

He was silent so I continued; wanting to be honest with him, and hoping like hell I wasn't making a mistake.

"When you left, I stopped eating and sleeping. The doctors were throwing around words like 'catatonic' and 'major depressive disorder,' Charlie was going out of his mind. I had nightmares; ones that had me screaming and thrashing as I slept. It was awful; I was terrified of sleeping because I was scared of what I would see."

"About a month after you left, I started doing reckless things; breaking my promise to you to be safe. I felt that, fuck; you went back on every promise you ever made, why should I keep this one? I started cliff diving and driving motorcycles with Jake. He was the one who kept me together. He is my own personal sun, my very best friend. He knew the truth about you guys, and hated you for doing what you did to me, but he was never judgmental of me."

"He's the one who saved me from Victoria you know," I added and Edwards head snapped up, the blazing fury in his gaze was feral, animalistic; he looked like a vampire. So beautiful.

"How?" his teeth were clenched together with his effort to control himself. I sighed. I really didn't want to relive this.

2 ½ years ago…

_School was out for thanksgiving break and Charlie had graciously allowed me to stay at the rez under the assumption that I was "helping" Jacob work on his car. Yeah okay, the excuse was lame. But we could not exactly tell Charlie that a vengeful vampire was on the loose so the Quileute werewolves needed me to stay there so they could protect me. Charlie would have committed me, it's not like he didn't have reason enough already with all that's gone on since he left. ._

_"Billy," I called into the kitchen of the tiny red house._

_"Yeah, Bella?" He wheeled his chair around to see me._

_"If Jake comes back from patrol, tell him I'll be at the beach," Billy new the truth about the Cold Ones and the Quileute legends. He nodded his assurance at me and I walked to First beach with strides more confident than I really felt. In all honesty, I was terrified. Laurent was dead. Dead-dead, not vampire-dead. Victoria was on the loose, and the wolf pack was chasing after her. What if someone got hurt? It would be entirely my fault. I felt like screaming, "I'm here! Take me!"_

_At least then Jake would be safe. It was no question that if something happened to him I would lose all will to live._

_The walk to the beach didn't take long, and soon I found myself staring out at the water from the top of the cliff. It really was beautiful, endless. The water below was dark and stormy as though it was angry. Or sad, like me._

_If he was here, he would tell me that this was without a doubt, the most stupid shit I've ever tried. Jake told me we would cliff dive once the pack was off red alert._

_I'd grown impatient._

_The wind picked up with the coming storm and it was terribly beautiful. I spread my arms wide, reveling in the sheer perfection of the moment._

_I felt so free. For once, not hindered by my heart-break. I could smile freely, even if it was only to the sky._

_I heard snarls approaching from behind me and I turned just in time to see a streak of red hair and pale arms grip around my neck. The wolf pack, all of them, skidded to a stop in a half crescent circle, their faces, even as animals displaying shock and horror. The largest wolf was black, Sam; started inching forward, a humongous russet toned wolf right at his flank._

_"I wouldn't do that," Her voice was one of high pitched bells; not at all what I was expecting. It was… pleasant sounding?_

_The hand that wasn't gripping my neck reached under my chin, tilting it forcefully._

_"Move closer and I snap her neck."_

_Terrifying snarls rumbled on the cliff. The russet toned wolf disappeared into the woods and ten seconds later, Jacob emerged._

_The contours of his face were set in a rage that was unfamiliar on him. My Jacob was warm, and bright, and smiles and laughter. This Jacob was cold, furious and impenetrable._

_"What do you want leech?"_

_She chuckled patronizingly, as though Jacob were a toddler throwing a temper tantrum._

_"That's easy," I felt her shrug her shoulders, "Little Bella here owes me a life from which her Edward-"his name ripped through my chest and festered in my soul"-took from me. Mate for Mate; it's only fair trade."_

_"No fucking way," Jacob roared, his form was trembling with his effort to remain human._

_"You can't have her."_

_"And you can't stop me, mutt," Victoria sneered, clearly enjoying herself "One slight move and I'll know, and she will be dead. You cannot stop me from taking her."_

_Jacob looked at me, his face full of frustration and anger and fear. I hated to see him so. My best friend should never be put in this situation._

_Victoria laughed at him, causing his form to shake even more._

_"This is _so_ cute, "She mocked, "But we really need to be going, Bella." Her tone fell flat as she said my name._

_I felt my eyes tear up._

_"I'm so sorry, Jake," I sighed, resigned to my fate._

_"I love you, Bells."_

_"You can't come looking for me."_

_His eyes were full of tears now; they were flowing freely down his face._

_"You can't stop me from trying."_

_I gave him a small smile, trying to convey my love and appreciation of him. For everything. I will never forget._

_Victoria now had us backed up to the edge of the cliff._

_"I love you too, Jake."_

_And we tumbled over the edge._

_She started first by breaking both of my ankles, insurance that I wouldn't run…._

_I remember begging for mercy when she popped by arm out of socket…._

_I remember begging for death when she popped it back in…._

_I remember another vampire entering my vision at one point in time._

_"Why don't you just bleed her dry, Victoria?"_

_"I can't, Riley." Her voice was borderline seductive. "I have to take my time with this one."_

_I lost consciousness after that._

_I felt someone slapping my face._

_"Wake up, Bitch." Slap. Slap._

_I opened my eyes to find her blood red ones looking back at me. Hatred. Anger. Pain._

_"You really loved him didn't you? James?" I asked from where I was crumpled on the ground. I noticed my surroundings for the first time. It was dark, late night? And we were in a forest. Huh. Go figure._

_"You don't get to speak of him, you slut!"_

_I shook my head knowingly. The motion caused my vision to blur._

_"Just kill me Victoria; you would be getting what you want. And… you'd be doing me a favor."_

_She was silent, just gazing at me._

_"He left me," I said. "He said he didn't want me. I was just a distraction. After all the times he told me that he loved me.." I felt my voice getting heavier._

_"He just didn't love me anymore."_

_Victoria snorted. "You have absolutely no idea how vampires love do you?"_

_I was fading in and out._

_"Swiftly," I said, and blacked out again._

_….._

_A blood curdling shriek filled my head. I managed to open one eye. I saw two vampires, Victoria and the other one, Riley?_

_Or what was left of him, I realized. His body was severely mutilated and haggard. He was barely standing up. Victoria herself was missing an arm. I smelled sweet fumes and noted that a fire must be somewhere close._

_I looked ahead of them and felt my mouth turn up into the ghost of a smile._

_The wolves. All of them._

_She made a dart off to the side into the trees but was stopped mid stride by a flash of russet fur. The sound the impact made was like lightening._

_She never stood a chance._

_I smiled. Good riddance, that bitch was hateful._

…..

Present

"I had 8 broken ribs, two broken ankles, a twisted vertebrae and a torn rotator cuff in my shoulder. I also had three lacerations on my back each almost a half inch deep." I said, shrugging my shoulders nonchalant. "She was able to hold her breath long enough to cauterize the wounds, so as to prolong my suffering."

I looked at him, took in the rigidity of his posture, the agony in his eyes. I sighed.

"I shouldn't have told you."

"If she wasn't already dead I'd fucking destroy her," He snarled.

"Well, there's no reason to fret about it, she's dead and I'm not. End of story," I said matter-of-factly.

"That's the fucking problem with you Bella!" He snapped. "You always treated your life as though it wasn't worth anything! You'd give it up for what? Me? My family? Your pup? Victoria? What's the point of anyone loving you if you'd so willingly sacrifice yourself?"

I stood, as did he. We were both toe to toe, our faces mirror images of fury.

I knew it was a low blow. I knew that I probably shouldn't have said it. But in that moment, I didn't care because though his accusations were hurtful and infuriating I knew there was some truth to them. I wanted to punish him further in this moment. It made me even more angry, throwing me on the defense.

My voice was a near silent snarl.

"At least I didn't let my fear turn me into a _coward_," I spat. "At least I didn't run away because I was too scared to be held accountable for my responsibilities."

His face was stony.

"I didn't realize you thought that of me," He said quietly. "Next time something is a threat to you, I'll lose. And you can tell my family I died for you. Because if you think I wouldn't then _fuck _you too."

With that he strode off.

I donned my helmet and kicked my bike into gear in one swift motion. Launching myself into traffic, I let the sobs that no one could see overtake me.

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><p><strong>AN: *hides* while whispering "Review please?"**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I'm sorry! I know, I know, it's been forever! My laptop got stolen, then life happened, then when I was finally able to write again I couldn't think of anything to say! I'm horrible and sorry to keep you waiting. Here it is!**

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

_Just hear me out, _

_If it's not perfect, I'll perfect it till my heart explodes._

_I highly doubt, _

_That I could make it through another of your episodes._

That night, dancing on a bar half naked with men staring at me like a piece of steak, I couldn't get Edward out of my head. I mean, that wasn't anything unusual, but tonight was different. I tried to separate my emotions and think about our entire dynamic from a logical prospective.

Logically, I knew he was sorry. _Sorry isn't good enough._

I'm harboring some serious resentment towards him for leaving in the first place. _With good reason._

He's made it clear that he loves me, and lord knows I hate admitting it but…I love him too. It should be easy right?

_Go home, get stoned._

_We could end up making love instead of misery…_

Well no. Not everything is as black and white as it should be. I'm too insecure.

Logically, I know he wouldn't make the same mistake twice; I know he wouldn't leave me. But I literally cringe when I think of us getting back together all for him to just up and leave again.

My emotions were a lot more complicated. I'd become so cynical and pessimistic since he left that I felt like a dried up prune. I was sad that this all couldn't just blow over, angry that it happened in the first place, hurt that I couldn't let it go, and bitter because….well because that is the story of my pathetic, fucked up life. I can't just let him in, what is to stop him from leaving again?

_Go home, get stoned._

_Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me…_

_Your heart wouldn't survive the pain again._

My head and my heart agreed on this.

I wouldn't. I could not take it if he ever left. Even now, with all of my bitterness towards him; if he left now I'd fall apart. To be so thoroughly rejected once more, would be awful.

But where does that leave us? We could not possibly go back to the way we were. Things have changed, _I have changed._ And honestly, I think he has too. He's not as reserved anymore. Implementing the BSR plan had shown that. Edward would have _never _been so forward back in high school. And today? I'd never heard him swear before. It sounded so weird hearing the word _fuck_ leave his lips. And so fucking erotic. _Focus Bella! _Obviously he has changed.

_You wear me out…_

_But it's alright now….._

And me.

Well shit, it is no secret that I'm a train wreck.

I'm a broken mess and honestly, I don't know if I can ever be put back together again. Some scars never fade; I have plenty.

What am I supposed to do?

_Well for starters, stop being a whiney bitch and come up with a plan of action._

I am _not _being a whiney bitch.

_You're sitting there throwing yourself a pity party with all of this "woe is me" bull shit. Get over it._

I really need to check myself into a psych ward.

_That would take all the fun out of life. _

Bite me.

I need a fucking life.

"Alright Viv, I'll see you tomorrow!" I called as I threw my duffel bag over my shoulder.

"Hey Bella?" Viv asked, stepping from the office.

I stopped and looked at her, "Go for it," she said simply.

I was confused, and I told her as much.

"I just mean…" she paused, unsure. "I just mean that you won't always have time. This boy… I've seen him in here frequently for the past month. Just watching you, and not the way these other boys do. It's like he would take a bullet for you or something…" she trailed off.

I was stuck. Viv wasn't one to usually be so vocal about her opinions on our personal lives.

"Viv," I said slowly, "It's not that easy."

She put her hands up in a placating manner, "I'm not saying it is," she continued, "I'm just speaking from experience. The man I loved tried over and over to get me to rid myself of my fears. I kept him waiting, thinking I had all the time in the world. It's been 15 years and I couldn't bear to go to my high school reunion a few years back. I knew I wouldn't be able to stomach seeing him and his wife, and hear them talking about their two children. I made him wait too long. That was supposed to be me and I fucked it up. I just don't want you to wake up in five, ten or fifteen years and realize that you've made a mistake. I've been there."

She paused, taking a calming breath, "I just know from experience that as much as older people like to say otherwise; just because you're young doesn't mean you have all the time in the world."

Viv seemed to have finished her monologue, because she gave me a sad, understanding smile and said, "Don't end up like me, Bella."

With that she turned back into the office and shut the door quietly.

I couldn't form any words. Honestly, what do you say to someone after that?

* * *

><p><strong>CPOV<strong>

I stood there, watching Edward rant and rave to his siblings about his argument with Bella and I was reminded, as I had been a few times over the last century, that Edward was essentially a seventeen year old boy. As old and sentient as he may seem, he was still hardwired like a teenager.

I felt a rush of shame, another thing I've been reminded of over the years. I don't regret saving Edwards life. He is my _son_ in every sense of the word. But I wish more than anything, that humanity hadn't tried to take his life so soon. So he could have time to grow into the man I knew he would've become.

"Carlisle, my indiscretions are not your fault. Please do not take the blame on yourself," Edward said, stopping in front of me.

_I'm not, just the musings of an old man_.

Edward smirked, "You don't look a day over twenty-five."

I laughed, "Semantics, Edward."

_Walk with me?_

He nodded and we headed out the door and into the forest surrounding our house. These woods were truly lovely, and filled with life. I glanced at Edward out of the corner of my eye.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

He sighed, "Do not be. I'm not. I just don't know who to be to her anymore. I hate walking on eggshells. I want to be able to tell her I love her every day. I want to be able to hold her hand and kiss her face. I want her to be my wife. I want it all," he finished, his breathing sharper.

"You can't expect things to just be okay after three years, Edward. You lied to us," he winced, "and you lied to Bella. The severity of Bellas self-doubt and her anger towards you have been festering inside her, like poison, for three years. Surely you don't think that she would just open up her arms to you?"

"I thought you were on my side," Edward half snarled.

I sighed, and the only reason I was able to keep the exasperation out of my voice was having three hundred years of practice.

"I'm always on your side Edward. But Bella is my daughter also. I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear, I'm going to tell you what you _need_ to hear. Right now, you are going about this in a wrong way."

"By being so focused on yourself you are forgetting about her. What she needs. What she wants. I know she is you mate, and you love her fiercely. But you are losing perspective. She is never less important than your feelings, son, and you'd do well to remember that."

* * *

><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

I left the house and made my way to Bellas apartment. She should be arriving home shortly. I knew what I wanted to say to her; my only hope was that she would listen. I'll never figure out how I managed to screw everything up. But I had, and nothing could change that. I just wanted a fresh start, or as close to one as we could get.

When she turned the corner into the small hallway leading to her apartment, I stood from where I'd been sitting outside her door.

Her friend Acers guard automatically went up. Bella just froze.

_What the fuck is he doing here? I will break his fucking arms. _

Calm down, killer.

"Bella, you can stay at my apartment tonight….if you want?" he said unsurely.

"I got it Ace, thanks," she smiled sweetly up at him. One final glare at me and Acer let himself into his home, silently shutting the door behind him.

She stared at me for a moment, contemplating. I smiled slightly and stood aside, trying to be as passive as possible. My nerves were shot.

"What do you want?"

"Just to talk to you, if that's alright," I said simply.

"Edward it's four in the morning."

"I know. Please?"

She sighed and unlocked her door, "Come in. Just let me change clothes."

She led me into her apartment and promptly tossed her purse on the floor. As she headed back to her bedroom, I looked around. The apartment was small, with only a flat screen mounted on the wall, a coffee table and a worn leather couch in the living room. School books and papers were scattered across the surface of the table, and you could see angry red marks smattering the papers she'd been working on. The kitchen was miniscule; two people would barely fit comfortably, but it was neat. All in all, the living space seemed to be organized chaos. Perfectly Bella.

There were only two photographs that he could see. One of Charlie and Renee, clearly younger, holding a small Bella up to camera. I smiled, she was a beautiful child.

The second was Bella and boy standing behind her. Well, I don't think I could call him a boy. He was extremely tall and muscled, his hands wrapped around Bellas waist casually. As if it was a common occurrence. He was wearing a smile of simplistic happiness, maybe a hint of mischief in his dark eyes.

But I quickly dismissed these subtle findings as my eyes came to rest on Bella. Her skin, while it had always been a healthy alabaster, was pale and sickeningly translucent. Her clavicle bones were sticking out against her shirt. Though she was smiling, it didn't completely light up her eyes, which had prominent circles under them. Haunted, with an unfathomable sadness in them. She looked so fragile.

The guilt washed over me again, as it had consistently since I left her.

"I was just barely starting to live again," she said from behind me. I could smell the beautiful freesia scent, mixed with something else…mango maybe.

She was wearing tattered sweat pants and a worn, holey t-shirt. She ran a brush through her hair leisurely, letting the strands fall across her freshly washed face. I felt nostalgic. This was _my _Bella.

But she didn't jump into my lap as she should have, instead opting to sit on the couch and stare at me, a look clearly stating to get on with it.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry again and that will be the last time I apologize," I said. "I know sorry isn't good enough for you and honestly, you're right, it's not. You deserve more than sorry, you deserve proof. So I came here to tell you that."

"I won't actively keep anything from you, or attempt to make decisions for you ever again. I know that's being presumptuous that I'll even be in your life, but I think… or at least I hope I will." I swallowed, "I just want to start over with you Bella, be your friend. That's not saying that I'm giving up on us, because I'm not, but we can't be together right now, maybe not for a long time. I figured out that one of our main issues is that in high school, we didn't know each other as well as we claimed. We had a completely ridiculous dynamic. I went from avoiding you to actively stalking you, from hating you to loving you. Immediately. Our feelings didn't have time to grow and mature themselves. We went from not knowing each other at all….to being in-love and in a full-fledged relationship… we were never friends."

"I want to be your friend," I finished somewhat lamely.

She sat there staring at me, listening intently. The corner of her full mouth was turned up slightly, but not quite smiling. Her brow was furrowed. I couldn't do anything but stare back at her, taking in every inch of her beautiful face, once again admiring the changes I saw there.

After a moment, she stood up and came to stand in front of me. Closer than she'd willingly been since I came onto her at the club a month ago. I could feel her heat on my skin.

"Friends?"

I nodded, waiting on baited breath for what seemed like ages.

"Okay."

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><p><strong>AN: Well? Review and tell me what you think :)**


	12. Authors Note

Okay guys I'm sorry! I honestly lost inspiration for awhile. It's been crazy! I've gone through a break up, serious fights between my mom and her partner, lost my job, found another one and moved out of my moms house as a result of all this! So like I said, it's been crazy.

BUT!

I think I've found my muse and am in the process of writing chapter 12 as I'm writing this update. SO.. if its not posted by today, it should be posted sometime within the next few days!

Again, I'm really sorry and see you soon!


	13. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, nor any rights to "Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven" by William Yeats. I just use them for my personal enjoyment. **

**A/N: And here it is! Pheww! After rigorous editing by my lovely beta Fantasy0506 Chapter 12 for A&W is FINALLY, ready for my awesome readers. Ummmm... I really don't have anything else to say so in the words of my favorite Hogwarts Headmaster...Pip pip!**

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><p><em>"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it <em>  
><em>this brokenness inside me might start healing. <em>  
><em>Out here its like I'm someone else, <em>  
><em>I thought that maybe I could find myself <em>  
><em>if I could just come in I swear I'll leave. <em>  
><em>Won't take nothing but a memory <em>  
><em>from the house that built me."<em>

**__BPOV**

"Edward, you cannot show up in Forks. Charlie will shoot you," I persisted, washing the pile of dishes that had accumulated in my kitchen sink.

"It's okay love, I am bullet proof you know," He smiled cheekily.

I groaned in defeat. Things had been going… well… between Edward and I. Being friends seemed to do good for us. It gave us a chance to re-learn each other and have fun for once, now that my life wasn't in consistent danger. We argued and bickered constantly, but still, I felt the ice around my heart start to melt.

Only, the Cullens wanted to spend Christmas in Forks to be close to me.

In Forks.

To be close to me.

And Charlie.

"Bella, Edward should go with you. You know you want him to," Acer chirped from the living room.

"No,", patience strained. "Charlie will be there," I reiterated.

"And, as Edward pointed out, bullets will have no effect on him," he shot back.

I sighed. I'm seriously starting to regret having included Acer on the Cullen family secret. That day had gone smoother than I could have hoped for. We had brought him to the house where Esmé had prepared a monstrous meal, and, as we (Acer and I) were eating, Carlisle simply started telling him the story – the entire story.

Acer hadn't even flinched.

As we were all staring at him, expecting a reaction or some sort, his face became sort-of downtrodden and he glared at Emmett.

"I guess I'll never be able to out-do you a wrestling match then, huh?"

Emmett just smiled goofily and threw an arm around his shoulders.

"Well," he said, "You can still out do most humans," he finished reassuringly.

And that was that. Rosalie swears up and down Acer and I were related somewhere down the line, despite the differences in ethnicity.

I shook my head and brought myself back to the current conversation. "Fine!" I rolled my eyes. "But if we end up having to tell Charlie about your vampirism when a bullet just ricochets off of your forehead, I'm blaming you." I stalked into my bedroom and zipped up my suitcase.

I'm not going to panic; I'm not going to panic.

_Uh, I hate to tell you dearie, you're panicking. _

No, I'm not.

_Yes, you really are. _

I'm so not arguing with you right now.

I honestly wasn't sure what was going to happen in Forks. The last memories I had of the Cullens there were far from pleasant. I myself hadn't stepped foot in Washington since I left. It was sort-of dramatic if you really thought about it. The prodigal daughter, returning home at last. The reason she left toted right along with her.

My life could be a movie, I mused to myself. So no, I wasn't sure what was going to happen in Forks. But I was sure of one thing: Charlie was _not_ going to be happy.

"Bella," Edward quietly let himself into my room, "Are you okay?"

I nodded mutely. He frowned.

"Bella, you can talk to me. I know you better than that. What's really going on? You were ecstatic to spend Thanksgiving with us. What's so different now?"

I plopped down on the bed and forced myself to look at him. His face was clear of any emotion besides concern. His perfect mouth was turned down slightly, his liquid amber eyes narrowed slightly in concentration; as if he was trying to read my mind.

"I left Forks not long after you did," I said quietly. "I've not been back since. Sometimes, Edward, I wake up and have to convince myself that you really are here, that it's not all in my head. I tried so damn hard to bury everything inside me. I tried so hard to forget you, your family and all the memories that came with you. Good or bad. I left everything in Forks."

"So you are scared to go home," he stated.

In a moment of weakness I nodded, "It's more than that," I started slowly, "I'm scared that everything I ran from will be there waiting for me. I'm scared that I'll lose myself again. And," my voice was barely a whisper, "I'm scared that if I go home… you'll disappear and I'll find that I really _am_ crazy."

If I hadn't studied his face so much, I would have missed the slight hardening in his eyes. I felt guilty. He'd been so patient and kind with me. He put up with my temper tantrums graciously and dealt with my insecurities. He had been trying so hard to earn my trust back and honestly, he had it. I just had not told him because I still was not sure what it meant.

He sat down next to me and tenderly took my face in his hands.

"Bella," he said seriously, "I won't disappear."

Damn nictitating traitors.

"I don't know that," I confessed, "I can't know that you won't go away. I'm sorry Edward; I promised myself I wouldn't do this. But I…I... I need you." I averted my eyes.

There, I forced it out.

My inner harpy was sticking needles in her Bella voodoo doll.

"Bella," He said again, this time tilting my face to meet his, our lips but an inch from each other, "Where else am I supposed to go? I… need you, too."

"When I left you, I regretted it instantly. Every fiber in my being was screaming at me to run back to you. Bella, I know I made a mistake, but my love for you transcends everything else in this world that ever mattered to me. You're my fulfillment; your hold on me is absolute. How...what's… I have it."

He stepped back and took my hand in his; as much as I tried to hide it, I'm sure he knew I was breathless.

His melodic voice captured me so thoroughly, I could not have broken away if I tried.

"_Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths__  
><em>_Enwrought with gold and silver light,__  
><em>_The blue and the dim and the dark cloths__  
><em>_Of night and light and the half-light,__  
><em>_I would spread the cloths before your feet.__  
><em>_But I, being poor, have only my dreams.__  
><em>_I have spread my dreams before your feet.__  
><em>_Tread softly for you tread on my dreams."_

I wanted so badly to believe it.

And so we sat, just staring at each other, trying to figure out what the other one was thinking, hoping desperately that what we were feeling was right.

* * *

><p>"Bella, are you sure you don't want one of us to ride with you? It was a long flight." Esmé asked again for the fourth time as I (Edward) loaded the suitcase into my rental car (a Maserati Granturismo, by the way. Nice. The Cullens did everything in style.).<p>

"I'm fine, Esmé. I want to make the drive," I said for the forth time, this time more forcefully. I needed to get my head on straight.

"Alright," She sighed, kissing me on my forehead and sliding into a black BMW Z4 with Carlisle.

"See you soon, lil' sis."

I waved as Emmett and Rosalie sped off in a candy red 1967 Mustang Eleanor.

Alice bounded up and enveloped me into a hug. "You'll be fine," she said, more for Edward's benefit than mine. "I'm glad you decided to let me see you again, Bella. It makes my life so much easier. Don't change that decision just to spite me, either." She narrowed her eyes at my too-innocent expression.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I laughed at the very adult tongue she stuck out at me. Jasper kissed my forehead and they hopped into their orange Bugatti Veyron. I looked at Edward

"It looks like a car show around here," I laughed, noticing people were staring at the line of Cullen cars waiting in Airport traffic.

"Well, let's not keep them waiting," he smiled, kissed my forehead and hopped into his Aston Martin Vantage.

Sliding into my own rental, I sighed. Four hours to stew on this situation. I was not sure this was a good idea anymore.

This holiday was going to be a fucking disaster.

Really - I NEVER used to be so pessimistic, but who was I kidding? I know Charlie is going to shit a brick when he finds out that Edward is in Forks. I wouldn't put it passed him to find a reason to arrest him. It's not like I could blame him, either. I wanted to maim Edward frequently, too.

But Charlie had to watch me in my darkest moments without fully understanding why it was happening. The only thing he knew was that his only daughter was a shade of her former self. But how could I even help Charlie comprehend without revealing the big secret, let alone without making him suspicious? It was easy enough to do that without believing in the supernatural.

The Cullens stood out. Period.

Carlisle, the beautiful doctor, who never lost a life. He looked no older than twenty-five, yet was well known in the medical field as a prodigy Esmé as his wife, while usually overlooked, had made quite the living over the years as an interior decorator.

And of course, you had the "children".

They were that too-perfect picture, a little too beautiful. Graceful beyond human capability and timeless in demeanor. It truly was a wonder that they'd never been found out.

No, Charlie could never know the truth.

* * *

><p>Pulling into Forks three hours later, my blood pressure was skyrocketing and my palms were sweaty. Charming.<p>

The small town itself was timeless. It looked exactly the same as I left it. Rainy, peaceful and quiet. The diner was still busy as ever, and Newtons was still thriving. I drove through the winding roads, and as I pulled into the driveway of my old home, I remembered one critical detail that made me simultaneously berate myself for my stupidity and shudder in anxiety.

"Bells! Is that you?" Charlie, fit for a man in his early forties, came bounding outside and scooped me up in his arms.

"Hey, Dad," I smiled into his neck, smelling the comforting woodsy scent he'd always had. For a second, my initial fear faded away. "God, I missed you."

"I'm so glad you're home," He responded gruffly "Let me have a look at you."

He held me out at arms length, taking me in from my head to my feet, scrutinizing gaze and all. I smiled slightly and felt the telltale blush rise in my cheeks. If anyone could bring that out of me nowadays, it was Charlie.

Seeming satisfied, he smiled. "New York seems to be doing you some good, kid. Grades and work are good?"

I nodded, "Top of my class, and I could afford to come here, right?"

He laughed heartily, and his eyes crinkled in a pleasing way. My dad sure was handsome, or maybe I was being sentimental because I missed him so much. I opened the trunk of my car to grab my suitcase (Charlie mumbling something about the car). Had I been paying attention, I would've heard someone coming out of the house. As it was, I didn't. And when I heard that all-to-familiar voice, my heart both soared and raced erratically out of exultation and terror.

"Hey, Bells, forget about me?"

I closed the trunk and turned to face him.

"Hey, Jake."

Oh shit.


End file.
